Missing you

Hello sweetheart;

What should I do? I am so scared and lonely and I miss you so. I wish I could somehow right the wrongs. I only want to honor you and God and be with you once again. Yet the nightmares never end. It seems that no one will ever let go of the accusations against you, even though they were false and ultimately destroyed you. Don't they realize that their false accusations made it impossible for us to get a doctor for you to treat your pain, and that the horrible pain that you endured daily masked the cancer pain. Are they so stupid? If the pain you had everyday was so horrible that it masked the cancer until it was massive; just how bad must the pain have been? HORRIBLE. I cry when I think of it. My poor love, no one ever helped or cared. You are so good and honest, and the only thing that the states did to you was hurt you. And I failed you. I should have done more, should have figured out sooner that you were becoming testy because the pain was so bad. I think that's why you were so easily upset in July, all of the pain was finally becoming too much. I still do not think that anyone but me realizes the significance of what you said after surgery, that for the first time since the ruptured appendix you had no pain in your abdomen. My dearest love, you had horrible cancer then but were so used to horrible pain that just the pain of the cancer a month before it took you away seemed like nothing at all. Yet no one believes the amount of pain you were in or the suffering; let alone all the stress caused by the legal battles and the fights against the drug scammers. I would die before I would hurt you or let others cause you harm, but I could do nothing at the end to help. But it seems to be so unusual in this world for a person to love someone else that way and that much; most people just look at me like they do not comprehend at all. You can see it in their eyes and in the way they stand, they don't get it or they don't believe me. And they surely, surely do not understand what those 19 years were like. And yes I am angry, angry because people and the system did not care, because they just used you to further their own ambitions, made your life a miserable existence, and never even thought to apologize; let alone fall on their face before God to ask His forgiveness for what they did to you, the one innocent and truthful person in every instance. And, in my heart, I still feel that if I could not save you then I should have died with you; even if it was of exhaustion or something caused by working harder for you. It is shameful that I survived, my job, my duty, my love for you, required that I do anything and everything that I could for you and that I stand between you and harm. If you go, I go. And while I worked hard, the fact that I am here proves that I did not work hard enough for you. I never did tell you about those nights driving back from the hospital; sometimes I was so scared of the morning and what might happen while I was gone, how angry I was that no one of your friends would even help with the dogs so I could take care of you, and the times when I could not see cause I was so tired. That was strange, like at the Academy in survival training when I had no food or sleep for a few weeks, I was just so tired that I could not figure out what my eyes were seeing. But that is not good enough. I am sorry I let you down. I can hardly wait to see you again.

Gayl and Injustice

As Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain said of his men at Gettysburg; so I can confidently and truthfully report to you about Gayl. It is character that tells. I do not mean simply nor chiefly bravery... What I mean by character is a firm and seasoned substance of soul. I mean such qualities or acquirements as intelligence, thoughtfulness, conscientiousness, right-mindedness, patience, fortitude, long-suffering and unconquerable resolve that raises an individual from the average to the exceptional. In this sense, Gayl had character. Intelligence, all would attest to her intelligence. She is brilliant. Right-minded and conscientious; ask anyone who she helped. She not only helped, she worked to make sure that it was perfect in every detail. Fortitude and long-suffering; heavens she had pain beyond belief for nineteen years. And yet, pleasant, helpful, kind, generous, uncomplaining; even after her last cancer diagnosis she helped people with medical advice to the point where she saved a life after she had joined our Lord. Yes, a woman with cancer was talking to Gayl, Gayl told her that the diagnosis was incorrect and what to ask another doctor so that she would get the correct treatment. And months after Gayl was gone, the lady called me to try to thank Gayl for saving her life. Unconquerable, she fought the injustices that the legal system and her cancer right to the end. What a wonderful woman and blessing. The troubles she faced are a terrible injustice and so terrible.

Gayl never had an easy, never spoiled. The hurts she suffered from her family, the legal system, and her health were all real and all deeply hurtful. She was not spoiled, she was never given anything, she had no silver spoon. She was never spoiled. She had to earn comfort and any stability; and it was attacked continuously by her parents and stolen from us by the legal system. Gayl is tough, hard as nails, but a lady too. I admire her. And boast about her. If people do not like that, tough. Gayl is precious to me, worth more than any conceivable about of money or fame.

I had a different life planned for us, one where we spent so much time together and visited places together and did things but they destroyed that. I wonder if they ever think about what they did to her and all that they destroyed? Do voices come out of the darkness and whisper to their conscience about all their black deeds. Do they ever have peace? Does their heart burst with pain?

I have given a lot of thought to all of the problems. I think that the legal problems came about because we hallowed justice and truth, and many if not most of the lawyers we opposed did not. We always worked to tell the whole truth and earn justice. Those who attacked her told lies, repeatedly, and tried to steal a conviction. They assumed that she would cave in or that I would abandon her, I guess. How wrong they were about her. And there was no way that I would ever abandon her. But, I find that deep in my heart that I hate and detest those people who did so much evil to her. They murdered her, with their lies, their attacks, their allegations, their persecutions they made it impossible for us to find a doctor who would take her medical complaints of pain seriously. The doctors always thought she just wanted drugs, when what we wanted was an end to her pain. And the pain that she endured masked the pain from the cancer that killed her. IMagine how bad the daily pain must have been, if you can; pain so horrible that she could not feel the other pain until she was almost eaten up completely by cancer. By a horrible cancer. By a cancer that we could have beat, if we could have just gotten to it earlier. But, thanks to the government liars, careerists, lawyers, and prosecutors, we could not. I hope to never meet those people; they are not even worth spitting upon. The legal system is an abortion, is it an abomination before God. But I hate them, I despise them, I pray that God takes these feelings from my heart and deals justice upon them. My heart bursts with pain every day without her. Life without her is not worthwhile. Every day is a journey in darkness. Every day is numbness. Every day it putting on a face to go to work, and then coming home to weep at the injustices heaped upon my love, my wife, my joy, my pride, my Gayl. It seems that powerful people are never called to answer for their awful deeds in this life, but I pray that their conscience never gives them a moment's rest.

I love Gayl, I always have, I always will. I will never give up.

Gayl, me, our life: some thoughts

Very few hours of a day pass when I do not think of Gayl, either in passing or at length. She is the love of my life. She is in my heart, she commands it, I love no other human near as much. And, without her, life is miserable and dark; darker than I could ever have imagined. I don't think anyone but she ever appreciated how much we loved each other and how much we cared. I could always trust her, with everything, with the deepest thoughts of my heart, everything. She was not perfect, but for me she is wonderful; a perfect companion, friend, buddy, wife, and love. I do not understand why things were so hard for us, why so much trouble and strife. It often consumes my thoughts. I can only assume that the things that happened occurred because of her goodness; the world hates the pure of heart, the loving, the kind, the principled, the caring, the humane, the tender-hearted; all of the characteristics of a Christian. The world pretends to admire this type of person, but only in the abstract; when most people encounter a person like that they try to destroy that person, to bring them down from the"pedestal", though they do not aspire to admiration or worldly reward. Gayl always tried to be good, kind, and loving because it was the right thing to do. She was not vindictive or hurtful; yet the people of this world were hateful and hurtful to her. As for me, my heart-felt guilt springs from the fact that I could not protect her, try as I might. This world, most people in it, claim to admire goodness and kindness but, in fact, they do not. They despise it and try to destroy it. Yet, Gayl is also strong of character and did not fold in the face of the continued attacks and hurt and pain; the endless betrayal and unwarranted evil turned against her. I am proud of her, proud to have been with her, blessed to know her, be loved by her, stand by her side, and be married to her. Gayl is better than this world deserves, and so the world destroyed her. Now, there is only me. And, even now, people try to attack her and destroy her memory. And I must fight to preserve it, as it truly is and as I know it. The truth. That she deserved to be honored and instead was spat upon by this world; especially her family. They envied her and hurt her more than she ever said, but her tears that flowed about their treatment of her spoke volumes. Her love for them was answered by hurtful actions, jealousy, and disapproval. And dislike, in word and deed. They never treated her as even a friend, let alone a loved sister or daughter. They treated her like a tool to be used and exploited; never ONCE did they rally to her aid, no matter the cause. No matter if it was disease, injustice, pain, or heartbreak, they used every hurt that she suffered as an opportunity to be hurtful and unkind, which only made the pain inflicted by the world 100, no 1000 time worse. They never appreciated her for her intelligence, kindness, loving heart, or warmth; they returned her goodness toward them with a knife in the back and words that cut deep into her heart. And, yet, she persevered in love and kindness; ever toward them, which is all the more wonderful and one of many reasons I love and admire her so very much.

I am honored to have shared my life with her, to be loved by her, to be her husband, and to be trusted by her. I am hers to command, second only in importance to God and his Son Jesus, because she is a better person than I. I love her and miss her. Gayl always seemed so surprised that I stayed with her, through it all. How could I do otherwise? I love her so very much, it would take more that the troubles the world and her family brought down upon us for me to ever let go of her. She is the best part of my life, without her life is mere existence and no house could ever be a home.

Life is too strange

I miss Gayl

Gayl

Gayl already knows how highly I think of her, but you need to know some of what I do about her. Gayl is a wonderful Christian lady. I have been blessed greater than other man by having Gayl in my life. The best person I have ever known is now with the Lord. I rejoice that she is with Him, that her pain and trials are at an end, and that she is with her beloved dogs; but a life without her is a grim. My light is gone. I, and the world, are the poorer for this loss and heaven has been enriched.

Gayl was always my pride, my joy, and my boast. I loved her then, love her now, and always will love her. I treasure every minute we spent together or even talking on the phone. I treasure the fact that her last minute on Earth was spent holding my hand in such a way that she told me that she loved me. She taught me what it means to be loved. She taught me what it means to be a Christian.

I was priviledged and honored to be Gayl’s husband and friend. She is my best buddy, I was fortunate enough to be hers. She always let me know that I was loved; deeply, truly, and honestly by her with all her heart. Her actions toward me showed that. No man could have a greater gift or a better wife and friend, and I was fortunate enough to receive this gift from her for over 31 years. Her love for me was a gift I did not earn or deserve, Gayl gave it freely from her heart. When I was not a good husband to her, from out of some inexhaustible reserve of love, she would find it in her heart to forgive and to retain her love for me. This, in itself, is amazing and I am humbled and stand in awe of her loving heart and forgiveness. God placed a wonderful person in my life, her love and patience with me passed all understanding. Any good qualities you see in me are due to her influence and guidance; as for the bad, her love, kindness, and sweetness blunted their edge and gradually removed their roots. Her love made me a better man.

Let me tell you of the Gayl I knew, or as she was known when we met, Tink. We met by accident, by the grace of God, at the North Bridge in the Air Force Academy cadet area by the library. She called me sir there, for the first and last time, and asked me to escort her to her car via the cadet area because she could not get from the library to her car without an escort. I walked her to her car and, after 15 seconds or so, as we walked down the “Bring Me Men” ramp, asked her for a date. She said yes, because, as I later found out, she had nothing better to do. We saw the movie Dr Zhivago, she thought I was a dork. I asked her out again, and after sufficient pestering I earned a second date, more because the restaurant we were to go to was nice than the impression I had made on our first date. I made a better impression that second time, and our life together began. I had found the one true love of my life, and miracle of miracles, she fell in love with me. My love for her grew every day, and each day with her was a blessing.

After a few months, I proposed. She said no, as I later found out, to see how I would react. She has a great sense of humor, always did. For example, a few days later, while we were talking on the phone, me in a phone booth, all the freshmen in my squadron attacked, tore off the doors and most of my clothes and started to shave me from head to foot. I barely escaped, only because I had previously told one of my best friends that she had said no to me. She had set the whole thing up, including getting me into the phone booth, because she had somehow learned that the tradition was to shave seniors who got engaged. How she laughed at that. A few weeks later, on Valentine’s Day; I picked her up from her work at Navigators. After a few moments in the car, she asked me if I had any questions for her. Being especially bright, I had no idea what she was talking about. After a bit of prompting by her, it finally dawned what she wanted me to ask. So, I proposed again there in the car while we were driving out of the Navigator’s office complex. Never do that. When she said yes, I nearly drove into the ditch because I was so excited and happy.

As I grew to know her over the years, I learned of her many talents and watched her develop new skills. She excelled at all she did. She plays the piano like a concert pianist. She sings like an angel. She made beautiful ceramics and stained glass. She excelled at woodworking, sewing, knitting, crocheting, cooking, art and car maintenance. Her skills developed over the years until they were quite amazing, to the point where I could not even understand how she did what she did and was simply amazed by the beauty of her creations. Her custom pizza, which we called a world famous, is the best I have ever had. I could tell a million more stories about her, her smile and laugh, her humor, skiing, walking in the mountains, and her wonderful qualities as a woman, friend, and wife. Qualities far surpassing my own meager abilities as a husband.

She loves movies. Her memory for movie details is incredible, she loved all kinds of movies: romances, romantic, war, drama, action, sci-fi. We watched her favorites, Star Wars, True Lies, Harry Potter, Sharky’s Machine, Somewhere in Time, Ben Hur, The 10 Commandments, It Happened One Night, Where Eagles Dare, Die Hard, The Shadow, Indiana Jones, Titanic, El Cid, A Christmas Carol, It’s a Wonderful Life, Dr Zhivago, Scrooged, Shining Through, The Great Escape, Speed, Spartacus, Shawshank Redemption, Judge Roy Bean, and more again and again. And TV too, programs like Star Trek, 24, St Elsewhere, Dynasty, Wild, Wild West; all the classics. We played a game of remembering trivia about movies and TV, and she was right more often than not.

A few years after we married, she entered medical school and became class vice-president. I was so proud. She graduated and started her practice. She is a wonderful doctor, her capacity as a physician is beyond belief. A few stories will illustrate what I mean. She saved my life twice, once when I had a brain tumor and once when I had a bleeding ulcer. She stopped at numberless roadside accidents and saved several lives. I would sit in the doctor’s lounge when she was at work, and she would sneak away to talk with me a bit between cases and tell me about the interesting ones. She saved many souls in their last moments in this world. I saw her save many lives, sometimes with little more than her two hands and her wits. She could diagnose disease over a phone better than most physicians could with a complete medical workup and with the patient in front of them. She loved medicine, every part of it. She dispensed her vast medical knowledge and talent freely to any and all in need; and thousands are alive because of her, her skill, and her caring for people as a doctor. One other story illustrates her incredible medical ability. When Gayl was in Kettering hospital this last time, two days before discharge after her surgery (when we still had great hopes) her main doctor told me, completely unexpectedly, that she was the best doctor he had ever worked with and how impressed he was by her knowledge and intelligence and skill as a physician. She earned this complement from a world-class specialist, this complement was earned by a woman with terrible cancer and tremendous amounts of pain medication in her body. Indeed, he even asked where she practiced so that he could consult her and refer patients after her recovery.

And her dogs. We can’t forget them. How she cherished them, loved them, and cared for them and how much happiness they gave to her. Each one was special to her, and they all jumped for joy whenever she came home. Thor, Winston, Lydia, Leah, Bessie, Levi, Jessica, Micah, Munchkin, Arthur, Morgan, Gavin, Duncan, Ellysse, and the rest all knew that they were loved by her, and she doted on them. They were her pleasure and joy, even in the worst of times.

But it is not merely her many talents, abilities and qualities, nor is it her excellence as a physician that I want to emphasize. Instead, it is her loving kindness and her shining Christian example. What a believer, what great faith she displayed. You need to know that there was never a day in the last 19 years when she was pain free; some days were worse than others but no day was without excruciating pain, pain we could get no doctor to treat because no one believed her. Pain that was, at times, horrible beyond belief. The doctor for her final surgery said that he did not know how she managed to deal with the pain that she must have endured due to the mistakes made in her two previous surgeries. She was misdiagnosed by doctors tens times. She endured several bouts with cancer over the last 13 years, fights she won each time because of her intelligence, tenacity, courage, and; faith. Lawyers misled her and failed in their duties to her. She was treated unjustly by the legal and administrative systems of two states. Her repayment for saving a young man’s life was to be sued by him even though he suffered no damage or harm from her. The legal and medical bills she faced were astronomical. Finally, and worst of all, to my everlasting shame and regret, I broke her heart, terribly. I do not tell you these things to get sympathy for her, that is not Gayl. I tell you these things so that you can join me in praise of her, so you can see how wonderful she was in spite of circumstances that would have broken all but the strongest Christian. Most would have felt sorry for themselves, felt betrayed by the world or God, or turned their back on other people since their own problems were so terrible, overwhelming, and constant. Gayl did not. Gayl rose above her circumstances and responded positively. She rarely complained, and few knew of most of her challenges and the depth of her pain. She took me back into her life. In spite of circumstances, Gayl reached out as a Christian to any one and every one in need. She would not allow pain to defeat her, nor the circumstances of the world. She fought her fights, but was always a Christian lady.

Gayl gave, even when she had little to give and her health was frail. She took time to help any one in need, she gave freely, she helped whomever she could, and this she did without restriction, reservation, or expectation of comparable kindness to her, let alone financial reward. She acted purely out of love for other people and out of her sensitivity and sympathy for others. This in spite of everything that happened to her. Her whole life, but especially these last 19 years, is a shining Christian witness, an example that both humbles me and leads me to praise the Lord and her. I am honored to have been able to help her fight her battles and to stand by her side as she fought; but make no mistake, she carried the load and had the fortitude, faith, and intellect needed to fight the injustices, medical and legal, that she faced. She leaned upon the Lord for strength. She was the warrior, the one with the great heart and tenacity who would not yield to adversity. She may have lost some battles, but she never gave up or gave in. She never betrayed her Christian principles.

Her faith, bravery, and courage in the face of incredible pain and, later, in the face of the nearly hopeless odds against her in her final fight would put any warrior to shame. But, it is her loving kindness and Christian charity that comes most to mind. To show you the kind of Christian lady she is, even on her last day, she offered help and advice to a nurse attending her. I saw her witness several times her last week. What a wonderful lady she is. Our last few words are for ourselves alone, but rest assured that the other times we talked, she expressed her love for and thought of every one in her family and her friends. I thank God that I was chosen by her to be blessed with all that she is. I thank God that I was there to hold her hand until the Lord took her hand into His.

I could go on with stories about her and what a unique, wonderful person she is. But, let me conclude. She ran her race, and ran it well. If ever there is anyone who will be greeted by our Lord and told “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” it is Gayl. As for myself, her presence on this Earth gave me the strength and qualities needed to be a gentleman and kept at bay the cold of the world. The void she leaves in my heart and life and in the world, can never be filled. I pray that the rest of my life can serve to honor her and preserve her memory. I miss her.

One thing that everyone should know. There was only one who was always faithful throughout all of Gayl’s medical and legal battles. Who stood with us, who helped, who encouraged and gave strength. Jesus. He was always there, He gave me the strength I needed to do all I did for Gayl; He carried the load. I am so grateful to Him for all He did, and He deserves all the praise, not me. I was just the tool in His hand. When all the doctors, nurses, lawyers, her family, everyone left Gayl, in pain, to face injustices alone and even to die by herself; He was there with her. He is, was, and shall forever be faithful and trustworthy. I love Gayl, sure; with all my heart, but without Him I could never have had the strength to stay by Gayl’s side through everything for 19 years. So, don’t praise me or think I am anything special, praise Jesus because He did it all.

One year ago today

Gayl's surgery was on the 31st. She had a utrerine sarcoma, which is rare and there is no prescribed treatment for it. Its very aggressive. We were at the hospital at the end, I (and she) so much wanted to get her home. The memorial and internment was in Michigan. I have the specifics on the location if you want them.

I guess there were several shocks. Gayl had a biopsy for uterine cancer in June, and it was negative so we thought she was OK. Her doctor at that time offered an explanation and recommended a hysterectomy, which we had been working toward since January. But, the bleeding kept getting worse, so on August 27 she had more tests. We found out it was cancer on the 28th. I flew back on the 29th to be with her. We spent the 30th together in the hospital, that's our anniversary, and her surgery was August 31. She got through it OK, and our hand signals we had worked out beforehand came in handy (1 ginger for cold, 2 for pain, 3 for dry mouth), we had been through this so many times before. When I finally got into ICU to see her after the surgery, they had her restrained since she was reaching around. Well you know Gayl, she was trying to figure out what she was hooked up to. So, I cut the restraints and talked her through everything, and she was fine after that. The nurses about had a cow though.

The second shock was her intestine. You know all the pain she had for the last 19 years and how we tried and tried to get someone to treat it. Well, when they got into her abdomen, they saw the reason for her pain, her large intestine was twisted through a complete 360 degrees around the medial axis (the line along the center tube of the intestine) within 18 inches. As the doctor saidd to me, her pain from this must have been excruciating. No kidding!!! Well, she had always feared another surgery cause she thought she would have a long bout of trying to get her stomach to work, but all was back to normal in 3 days. She was walking the day after surgery. She even told me that for the first time in 19 years, her tummy did not hurt and she could eat OK. But the pain she endured for 19 years because they srewed up her appendicitis is unbelievable. At one point, the total width of the tube was less than the width of a needle. But, she was feeling less pain, so I thought things were looking up.

The bad part was that the doctor could not get everything in the surgery, so Gayl had to have chemo and radiation. And the prognosis was not good, the doctor said that she would not last 5 years, maybe less. But I thought we had time to fight and find things and do things. We decided not to give up. I was able to take her home the Saturday after her surgery. Since I thught we had time, and we needed money, I flew back to DC on Sunday to try to keep my job while her dad spent the week with her.

The following week started out OK, but she seemed to keep sounding weaker on the phone, and she started to complain of pain, which confused me. She went back into the hospital the following Saturday cause of pain, and I returned Sunday. Her dad left then.

By Tuesday, Gayl was hurting a lot, and the doctor said told us that he thought she would not last two years. Apparently, the tumor had regrown in the intervening 2 weeks since the surgery to twice the size it was when she had the surgery to remove it. She got an infection and her kidneys started to lose function, so we could not start chemo right away. We got through that, but it took a week. I asked about using dialysis, but was told it was not an option. By the following week, though, Gayl was a bit better, enough so that she could start chemo on Wednesday the 27th and do radiation on the 28th. I wwas worried, though, and asked the doctor how bad things were. I asked him, straight out, if she had days, weeks, or months. He said months, it all depended on the chemo. Our goal was to get the chemo done, get her out, and find some place that could treat her type of cancer (I found out later that no such place exists). But, I thought we had time at least. I screwed up, I thought I had to be ready to keep up a 18 hour day at her bedside for a long time, so we decided I should sleep at home instead of there; I really regret that). When I left at 3AM on the 29th, she was OK. I was back by 10AM, and she was nauseated. Things just went downhill from there. She started to throw up at noon, and by 1pm we had filled everything in the room and the sunction machine had failed. Her pain, by then, was really bad. She was getting 2CC of dilaudid every 2 hours as a maintenance dose, and her pump failed so she could not get anything for pain even though she was supposed to get whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it. I could not get a nurse, I was literally running up and down the hall in the ward looking for someone and then running back into the room to help her with her pain and throwing up. This went on for a couple of hours, until at about 5 pm I just disconnected her monitor. I knew that would bring people, cause it would look like her heart stopped. That worked, we got a room full of fols in no time flat. After I convinced them that her heart was not the problem and got them straight on what was wrong, things began to happen. I got a few doctors to talk to me, kicked a nurse out of the room, and got her the pain medication and medical support she needed. Her heart rate, which had been up around 130 since noon, dropped back under 100 and she seemed better. Then, the throwing up started again, and it was bad, At about 7pm, she grabbed my arm really hard, and I mean really hard. I knew the pain was back, and it was bad. Shortly after that, she reminded me of my promise to her, not to let her die in pain or go onto life support for no purpose. Then, she got a lot worse, heart rate up and everything just went downhill. Again, no nurse to be had, so I went runnig around the ward till I got one, and she called Gayl's primary cancer doctor. His resident came in to see Gayl and then went to talk to him on the phone. Gayl and I had our last talk then. Then Gayl got really bad, and her docctor wanted to talk with me. He said that the cancer was destroying her faster than he thought it would, and that he could maybe keep her alive for a little while (not even a day), but in ever worsening, continued pain. Or he could stop the pain and the vomiting, but he did not know how long she could tolerate all the pain medicine and anti-vomiting medicine. I told him to keep her out of pain, and when back in to hold her hand. I wish I had been able to get into the bed to hold her, but she could not move enough for that. They started giving her medicine, and she looked at me before she closed her eyes and fell asleep. I just kept holding her hand while the nurses and doctors did what they did. I finally let go about a half hour after she met Jesus.

I think Gayl suspected somethng bad was happening, she was too good a doctor not to. She put on about 100 lbs of water weight that last month. The day before, she had me write some checks into her back account for her. On the afternoon of the 29th, she asked me to promise to do some things for her; thngs which in retrospect she would only have asked if she thought she was approaching the end. But I was not expecting it. I was counting on those months that the doctor promised, and did not expect the 29th to be the end. So, that was the third shock for me.

There are two wonderful coincidences about the 29th. One is that on 29 Sep, 490BC, the Greeks won the Battle of Marathon (yes, the same as the race today). After the battle, and to prevent the Persian traitors fro taking Atehens, the runner Phidippidies was sent from the battlefield to the city to tell them of the victory. As he ran, the Persian fleet was sailing round the point to attack the city, neither could see the progress of the other. Phidippidies won the race, ran into the city gates, cried "Nike" (Greek for victory) and then died. As a Christian, no better analogy for Gayl's life could me made.

The second is for Lord of the Rings fans, of which Gayl was one. On 29 September, Frodo boarded the last elven ship to leave MiddleEarth for the West, which is to say, Heaven, after accomplishing all he was to do.

I teel myself that the date is no coincidence, that God was telling us all what a wonderful person we had here with us, and telling us in a way that no one could misunderstand.

The only problem is that I miss her and love her; life is so bleak without her.

Until that day

Forever

Ten months, and so unnecessary

It has been ten months without Gayl. So, by now my anger over her needless passing is under control. Yes, I am angry. For 19 years, we have been telling every doctor we could see that Gayl had horrible abdominal pain. No, not just horrible. Way beyond that. It was so terrible that no one would believe her when we told them. No one. Not one doctor. Of course not, she had two screwed up surgeries 19 and 17 years ago, so every doctor would try to cover up for the surgeons, no matter how much pain Gayl had to endure. She is, after all, only a woman. They treated her like an idiot. They treated us like we had no idea what we saw every day. They never listened to her, never, not once. NEVER. And, if only one of them had ever listened to her, they could have performed the surgery she needed to remove the eighteen inches of bowel that were almost crushed flat, smashed to a point that they could not expend to more than the diameter of a needle. A NEEDLE. And these doctors, these so-called servants of the patient, never even found it because they never listened to us. Never believed her about the pain. And then the final cancer fight. The third surgery, the one she needed. The one where the eighteen inches was removed and she was pain free. Of course, the pain from her bowel hid the early pain warning signs of the cancer. So by the time we had the cancer surgery, it was too late. TOO LATE. So, instead of 20-30 more years together, I am without her. All because a long series of doctors never bothered to listen to her. I wonder, do they see her face? I do. In the dark recesses of the night, do they hear her voice? I do. Do they realize just how special, how precious a person we have lost? I do. I don't think they do. They don't care about anyone but themselves. Patients are just meat to these people, they are not doctors; even though they have a degree. They are monsters. They stole Gayl from me, from us, because of their indifference, their insufferable arrogance, and their cloying air of superiority. Iatrogenic death. Yes, and it took them 19 years to accomplish it. From the start, when the doctor was too busy celebrating his Christmas to do the simple tests that would have revealed the ruptured appendix right up to the end; that whole terrible last day when no doctor or nurse could be found. When no one listened to her or me when we begged for a transfusion for her. When we begged for someone to see her when it could have done some good. The noble practitioners of medicine; hypocrites! They are worse than scum. They are egotistic, self-serving, and self-aggrandizing. They serve no one but themselves. May God have no mercy on their souls. The only thing worse, lawyers.

Why am I angry; why is there rage within my tears? Simply answered, the best part of my life, my future, my hopes, the only part worth having, is gone. Gayl was home for me; wherever she was, my heart was there and I was home. I knew my greatest happiness when I was with her, even just talking with her. That's all gone. Gone as a result of the arrogance and self-serving pride of the medical profession.Gayl and I are close, as one in heart. I am not perfect, far from it. I make no such claim. But she owned my heart and there is nothing I would not do for her, and her alone. We had worked so hard to rise above all of the problems, all of the health issues. We were so close to getting our life back to some form of normal. Then, the final blow; so unnecessary, so overwhelming in it force. For years, she had pain, but nothing on this scale. NOTHING. And, still the doctors would not alleviate her pain. No one believed, until it was too late. Only when she was certain to die did they bother to provide pain relief, and even making sure that was done properly was a challenge.

Now I know why people talk about the hope of salvation. Its not that you hope Jesus will save you; His word is unbreakable and you can count on Him. The hope is that you will once again see your loved one. And its not the hope born of despair, hope that aginst all odds it will happen. No, its like the hope born when a loved one leaves on a long trip of uncertain duration; you know you will be reunited again you just don't know when. So you hope it is soon, you hope it is short, you hope for a happy reunion. I will be with Gayl again. But, that does not lessen the crimes and offenses committed against her by all of those doctors. They are deserving of God's most harsh judgment.

And yet, it all seems like a nightmare. Something so terrible that I must be able to wake from it. It seems I can, but awakening is always just out of reach. No matter how hard I strive to reach the surface and emerge from this nightmare, the surface recedes and I remain trapped within. Gayl is there, just beyond my reach, just beyond the surface of the lake. I shall reach her one day, I must. I miss her and I cherish her. She is always in my heart and on my mind, I long for the simple touch of her hand in mine. I long to see her and hold her again, and tell her it is OK. Thanks be to God that I was there, and thanks be to Jesus that I will be with Gayl again. I do not know what to do about the horrible things that the doctors and lawyers did to her; I will have to pray more. I love Gayl and always will. I miss her so very much, the pain of it all is more than words can say.

The knight

In the Middle Ages, a knight was supposed to display three virtues: 1) loyalty to the king, 2) protection of the weak, and 3) courage in battle. Gayl showed all these qualities all of her life. Loyalty to the King, she never wavered in her commitment to our Lord, Jesus Christ. Protection of the weak, she always did everything she could do and never spared herself when caring for a patient. Courage in battle, whether it was her own many illnesses or the several injustices inflicted upon her by the legal system, Gayl persevered and fought on bravely till she was overwhelmed by an unsurmountable enemy.

Gayl is a better person than I. I am honored and privileged to be her husband. I wish I had the words to describe her, her bravery and kindness were wonders to behold, as much as her skill as a doctor.

I miss her very much, no that does not even begin to describe how I feel. Gayl is my pride and joy, my love, my all.

Until then

Since thou were called before me
To spheres that are eternal
To see at last the face of Him
Who is love and hope eternal.
Know this my love,
Forevermore,
Though storms of heavenly light enfold thee
And a thousand thousand thousand angels stand between
My heart shall find thee there.
And I will forevermore hold your hand in mine.

For love knows no chains:
Not matter, space, nor time,
Nor the fetters of these bodies
Though they corrupt with time.
My heart, my love has been thine
Since the moment we first met.
And it shall always be thine
though I can not hold you, yet.

For love endures the ages
With power immeasurable
Nothing can stand before it
As our Lord Jesus Himself has shown.
And when God, at the proper time,
Doth grant my great desire:
To enter into His holy place
Where dwells thy sacred, hallowed, beloved
Face.
There -
Far Better Shall I Love Thee
And we shall never part again.

Gayl

Gayl is a mighty warrior for God and for patients; and its because she loves them. Her strength springs from her love for people and for God.

Gayl is an exceptional person, and I was very blessed to be with her. I'll never understand why her family never appreciated her or why they always put her down. Jealousy? She is a great doctor and loving, caring person. She was nice to everyone she met, I have never met anyone who even came close. She has a warm, loving, cheerful heart and would never do anyone deliberate harm. Maybe that is why the lawsuits and hurtful comments from her family cut her so deep. She was always, and I mean always, nice to them and showed them love and affection. Yet, she would find out time and again that they had some plot against her or were trying to deliberately hurt her. For example, a few years back we saved up and bought her a Toyota Supra; she really liked the car and it was so much fun for her to drive. She liked it. So, what did her mom do the first time she saw it? Said a doctor would never drive a car like that, and put a wooden box on the car's roof, just to scratch it up. It really broke her heart cause she would never be so inconsiderate to someone else. She so wanted to be liked by her family, and yet she never felt like they liked her or respected her. They were never at her side when she needed them. Like her father, he dislikes me; so even though Gayl was ill he avoided seeing me and Gayl and chewed her out by phone for allowing me to take care of her. Why do that to her? Why, why, did they make her cry? Why could they never say anything nice about her, ever? Her hair, too long. Her medical school degree, not top of the class. Her house, too big. Her dogs, too many Her taste in clothes, not right. Her color sense, not right. Her gifts, not expensive enough. Her piano playing, not perfect. Her cooking, not good enough. But, she excelled in everything that she did. Everything. She gave them no excuse or cause for complaint. Why could they just not love and accept her? Just because she thought things through and did things her own way, they needed to criticize. And, much more often than not she was correct when she did things her own way. Maybe I am not seeing clearly because I love her so much, but they way they treated her was horrible. Horrible in the sense that they never once complimented her, said they were proud, or encouraged her. Horrible because they were never there for her during any crisis. Horrible because they accused me of adultery hundreds of times, when they knew that the accusations were false every time they made them. Horrible because they celebrated our divorce. Horrible because she and I had to hide our love for each other these many years so that she would not have even more grief and problems inflicted on her by her family while she was battling cancer and injustices. And yet, in spite of it all, she was a happy and cheerful person. Jesus lives in her heart, truly.

What a wonderful person, companion, love, and friend. And what lovely blue eyes. There will never be her equal. I miss her more with each passing day and can hardly wait to see her again. Life without her is like a prison sentence. I'll try to honor her with my life, but I would much rather be with her. I will never understand why people do not recognize and mourn what we have lost, she is unique in all the world and the most loving and kind person I know. Christ must be proud of her, I am. I am unworthy to be here instead of her. I miss her so very much, I want to be with her.

Thinking of Gayl

What people do not realize is that Gayl showed me what life can be. I was, for all intents and purposes, dead before I met her. I did nothing but work and duty; and had no idea what it meant to be loved by someone. Or even to want to share my life with someone. I figured that the way I lived was the way all people lived. And then Gayl showed me that there was more. That there was so much more to life, that life was meant to be shared and that when you were loved by someone it made all the difference. Things were better when shared with someone you love and who loved you. Just being with someone you loved made every day worth living. I never had any idea what it was like to be loved, or even liked. My parents had never shown me. I had guy friends, but its not the same. Gayl shown me what it meant to be a human and to be alive; and joy and happiness could be, because they are meant to arise from sharing the experience with some you love and who loves you. And without Gayl, all of that is gone. There is nothing left. There is nothing that can give me joy or happiness. And even when my spirits lift a bit, I feel guilt because she is not here. And the loneliness is like a great, dark cloud over me heart. The loneliness never leaves, but there are times when it becomes so great that it feels like I will be crushed and my heart along with it.

People need to realize how wonderful a person Gayl is and just how much we have lost. I say this not out of grief, though that is sometimes overwhelming, but because it is true. She is so nice, considerate, polite, caring, compassionate, and loving toward everyone. And a wonderful doctor too. And I keep saying these things, and no one listens. She should still be alive. The doctors misdiagnosed her several times, and it was only her knowledge as a doctor that saved her; and that was when she was in great pain, horrible pain. Her parents never supported her, never encouraged her, never gave her the praise and recognition that she so richly deserved. Instead, they used her. They criticized her. They harped on her failings and her sicknesses. They never lent support when she needed it. They never encouraged her. They beat her down and always tried to manipulate her. They attacked me through her, they lacked the guts to tell me to my face what they thought of me; instead they attacked Gayl and hurt her, and intensified the attacks as she grew sicker and weaker. They abused her mentally. And they never, ever, showed her that they loved her and accepted her. I would gladly have died in her place, they would never do anything for her no matter how dire the need. I despise her parents as people, they are not worthy of such a wonderful person as their daughter.

My life and heart belongs to Gayl and always will. My job is to bring honor to her memory.


Its been too long without Gayl. My heart is dead and life seems to useless. What I would not give to hear just a few words from her, I miss her so very much. There is no fun or pleasure to be had without her. I would rather sit with her and watch TV than do anything in the world. Or do anything that she wants. I feel ashamed to do anything that is fun, let alone having fun, because I want her to share it. She owns my heart, now and always. Being without her is a torture, and a heartbreak everyday; indeed several times per day. What right do I have to enjoy anything when all we sacrificed for is gone. There is so much I wanted to do with her, and now the very idea of doing any of those things leaves me feeling guilty and shamed. I do not deserve to do the fun things that we planned without her. I should have taken her place, she is the better person and the more worthwhile one. Words fail me, I do not know what to day to convey all that she means to me. The sadness of being without her is sometimes overwhelming. I don't mean to be selfish, but I want to be with her. I don't even want to consider being with someone else, she is the only person for me. And I did not tell her that enough. I miss her so very much. It is so strange, sometimes it will just hit me like a ton of bricks and the future looks so bleak without her in it. I don't know how to survive without her. And, if anything, the pain is worse. At first, it was the shock of it all. Now, the horrible fact is sinking in. And death would be a comfort, at least then I would be with her again. I used to work hard to try to build a future for us, now its just to fill in the hours until I can be with her again.

God Knows

And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year:
"Give me a light, that I may tread safely into the unknown!"
And he replied:
"Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God.
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way."
 
So, I went forth, and finding the Hand of God, trod gladly into the night
And He led me toward the hills and the breaking of day in the lone East.
 
So, heart, be still!
What need our little life,
Our human life, to know,
If God hath comprehension?
In all the dizzy strife
Of things both high and low
God hideth His intention.


Marie Louise Haskins 1876 - 1957

Thoughts

I love Gayl, always have and always will. But there is more than that. I respect her. She ALWAYS tried to do the right thing, the moral thing. No matter how great the cost or how difficult, she always tried to do what was right and honorable and proper. She always tried to do unto others as she would have done to her, even when no one did right by her. She always tried to reflect Christ in her life and show others, by her actions, the way to the Lord. This is not expressive enough by half. Its this way, in a time when most people take the easy way out, lie, cheat, steal, Gayl had firm Christian principles and stuck to them. I always admired her for that, she is a good person.

I love her very much.

Fanfare for an Uncommon Woman

Why Not Me?

Why Not me? Why could I not be allowed to take Gayl's place and spare her the pain and suffering? I do nothing of any real worth, just do computers for the government. She is a true doctor. She saved lives. She is compassionate and caring. She gave freely of her medical knowledge to anyone, without charge. Think of that, a doctor working to help a patient for free! She was a wonder to behold when fighting to save a patient or preserve them from worse damage. She would be covered in blood, ordering nurses hither and yon, using equipment, making decisions almost faster than you could keep up; as God is my witness, no one ever worked harder to serve each and every person they treated. Or when someone was dying, if they were alone she would sit with them and comfort them as they met eternity. What a wonderful person. What a wonderful and unique doctor. And all she got in return were false accusations by Nifolg-like attorneys and state bureaucrats. No one in power ever said that she was a great doctor. Well, she is and always will be. She loved life, loved people, and served her patients. Compared to her, I do nothing for mankind of any worth or lasting value. I work hard and do my job; but at the end of the day I just go home and work. She came home with lives saved and people's lifes' turned around for the better. She cared for everyone, and gave freely. So, why could I not take her place in the tumbril? I have nothing of value, but could have if I had saved her. But I even failed in that. With cancer, there is no tomorrow; we were 4 and 1 against cancer but it only takes one defeat. I would have taken her place at any time and spared her any or all she endured, but was never given the chance. So, why not me? What is so great about me that I should live instead of her? Nothing comes to mind. She is the best person I will ever know, and the one truly good thing I could have done is taken her place, but I could not find a way to do so. A wonderful doctor and person is lost to mankind; and no one notices. Gayl is the greatest. Know this, Gayl is the greatest.

The 23rd Psalm





The LORD is my Shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

He leadeth me beside the still waters.



He restoreth my soul:

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;

Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;

Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.



Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the House of the LORD forever.

Gayl and the Justice System: Part 2

20 years ago Gayl was wrongly accused of violating a boy's privacy by treating him for his own attempted suicide. She had him admitted for observation. He sued for tortious interference in a contract, since the admittance cost him his scholarship. 5 years and $1.5 million later, over $200,000 from our pockets, she was found not guilty and all charges were dismissed with prejudice. She was innocent, victim of a legal system gone mad and ambitious, glory hungry prosecutors. We wrote to everyone we could think of about the terrible precedent this set. Now, at Duke, all can see how crazy the law has become and how low lawyers have sunk. They are without honor, without morals, without scruple. They have no concern for the law or their clients, They worship money. Think not, consider the following by Dennis Prager:

America's news media, an amoral university, an opportunistic district attorney, and a police department that seems to have collaborated in framing innocent students all combined to nearly destroy the lives of three innocent young men -- members of the Duke University lacrosse team.

The attorney general of North Carolina announced that all charges -- of rape, sexual assault and whatever other charges a mendacious young woman got Mike Nifong to bring against the Duke lacrosse team players -- were being dropped. He pronounced the students "innocent," not merely "not guilty." And the attorney general also declared Nifong a "rogue prosecutor."

The lessons of this terrible story are obvious, but given the political correctness of our time and the inverted values that prevail among America's elites -- particularly the news media, the universities and the legal profession -- these lessons will rarely be expressed, let alone learned.



First, the rape of a name is also a rape. A false accusation of rape can be as devastating to a man and his family as a real rape can be to a woman and her family. Sometimes a real rape is more destructive; sometimes the rape of a name is more destructive. It is therefore a grave injustice not to prosecute the woman who brought these false charges.

Second, moral Americans of every race must acknowledge that our society has a problem of anti-white prejudice in parts of the African American community. Proportionally, it seems that more blacks unfairly mistrust whites than whites unfairly mistrust blacks. Mike Nifong won his race for district attorney largely by appealing to this prejudice.

Third, it is utterly unjust that the families of the Duke lacrosse players had to pay millions of dollars in attorneys fees to defend their sons against a lying woman and a morally corrupt district attorney. Such injustices happen every day because the American legal system, unlike that of other countries such as Great Britain, forces those who win lawsuits wrongly brought against them to pay all their legal bills. Trial lawyers and the Democratic Party, which trial lawyers fund, prevent all reform in this area in order to allow frivolous lawsuits and their accompanying high lawyer profits to continue. That is why three young men who did nothing wrong have cost their families much, if not all, of their life savings.

Fourth, while Duke University has good individuals, like most universities today, Duke is a moral wasteland. Eight-eight professors, abetted by Duke's president, created a mob mentality against the young men not unlike that of a lynch mob. Of course, nothing will be done to Duke's president or to those professors. To get fired as the president of an elite American university, one must suggest that men and women are innately different. Politically incorrect truth telling -- not race-, gender- or class-baiting of whites, athletes or males -- gets you fired. And Duke alumni will continue to fund Duke, just as Columbia University alumni are funding Columbia with record donations despite Columbia's reluctance to discipline radical students who violently disrupted a conservative speaker on campus last year.

Fifth, the moral vision of much of the Left, which led the anti-white athlete hysteria, was revealed again. It views the world not as a conflict between good and evil but between white and black, male and female, and rich and poor. The athletes were rich and white and male. For many on the Left, that alone made them villains. As a general proposition, subject to exceptions that accompany all generalizations, the Left has considerably more compassion for groups (racial, ethnic, socioeconomic and sexual groups it favors) than for individuals.

Sixth, any time Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson get in front of cameras on a race matter, assume that they are there to inflame, not heal. We await their apologies to the three Duke students. But we are also awaiting Al Sharpton's apologies to those he libeled in the Tawana Brawley rape hoax.

Seventh, the next time you hear that someone was indicted by a grand jury, unless you have knowledge of the case, or reason suggests possible guilt, don't assume it. As Joe Cheshire, one of the accused boys' lawyers said, "A grand jury would indict a ham sandwich for the death of a pig."

Eighth, it is time to drop the anti-male bigotry and either hide the names of accused rapists -- at least until their indictment -- or also reveal the names of their accusers. Short of that, the press and justice system surely have the moral obligation to reveal the names of false accusers of rape. It is almost beyond belief (but little is anymore) that news media like The New York Times will still not reveal the name of the lying accuser. For the record, it is Crystal Mangum. Shame on her and her supporters.

I weep for those boys and their families. And I fear for America.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Nifong destroyed the boys. Other lawyers destroyed us, and broke Gayl's heart. I still weep for Gayl and for our country. She suffered for no reason, and no one cared. Lawyers are destroying our nation, our future, and the lives of every citizen. Gayl was falsely accused, and it says much for her character that she never gave up, even though of all her friends and family only I stood by her. She is a better woman than almost any person in the world, and I will admire and love her always.

The All Powerful God

23rd Psalm

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Daniel 3:16-21
Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego replied to the king, O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up. Nebuchadnezzar was so filled with anger toward Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego that his face turned red. He ordered that the furnace should be heated seven times hotter than normal. And he commanded the most mighty men that were in his army to bind Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and to cast them into the burning fiery furnace. Then the three men were thrown into the blazing furnace. They were wearing their clothes, hats, and other clothing. he king's order was so urgent and the furnace was so extremely hot that the men who carried Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were killed by the flames from the fire. So these three men-Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego-fell into the blazing furnace. They were still tied up. Then Nebuchadnezzar was startled. He sprang to his feet. He asked his advisers, Didn't we throw three men into the fire? That's true, Your Majesty, they answered. The king replied, But look, I see four men. They're untied, walking in the middle of the fire, and unharmed. The fourth one looks like a son of the gods. Then Nebuchadnezzar went to the door of the blazing furnace and said, "Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego-servants of the Most High God-come out here." Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego came out of the fire.

Why

Why should a woman as wonderful as Gayl be gone when so many other people, who are so evil, remain? This is an old question, but Gayl's good, kind, compassionate heart will be missed by all. The world is poorer for her abscence. Her wit, intelligence, companionship, and loving heart are missed by me; every minute of every day. There is so much I want to share with her. I cherish her.

More

Gayl is the best person that I know. She and we never accomplished all that we wanted to. She had too much pain in her life, and too much hurt. There was a lot of injustice done to her. But, how sweet and giving she is. She never turned against God and always witnessed of His glory and love in all of her actions. She is so nice to be with. So easy to be with. And so smart and fun. So few women measure up. Gayl was right, I did not realize just how unique and special she was because I had not dated much. I thought most women were nearly as good as her. They are not. Gayl stands miles above them. Yes, I love her very much, so I am not unbiased in my assessment; but what I say is the truth. Gayl is wonderful. A great companion and wife. I miss her so very much every day, there are so many times I want to talk with her and share stuff with her. I miss her so. That does not even begin to say what it is like. Something has been pulled out of me, and it hurts. Hurts as in pain. Hurts as in sometimes it is hard to breath and even to take a step. And I still want to take care of her. She is in Heaven, but I want her to be happy and have joy and peace and to be honored. She hurt so much for so long, the pain was so agonizing at times, that she has suffered so much that I pray that she is given special, wonderful things; things in Heaven so wonderful that they are beyond imagination. But I do not even know how to ask. So I pray for her and ask God to bless her beyond anything that I can imagine. I just can't seem to stop taking care of her. Maybe people would understand if they had seen all the pain, all the hospital time, all the legal battles, and the stuff she had to deal with. I just want her to be happy; its OK if I hurt as long as she is OK and really happy. Truly, it is OK. What I really want to do is make sure that the people who hurt her are hurt in return. The legal system should be able to do it, but no one seems to care. So, its a legal battle I will have to fight on my own for her. I just wish that i had her help, there is no one else who I can trust and who I respect half as much. I love her so much, and I was so blessed by her. No one can imagine how much. I guess that's what makes this time apart all the more painful, I know that whoever I may meet will in no way fill in any of the void.

Easter

Thanks to the Lord, I know that I will see Gayl again. My redeemer lives, so does Gayl.

Gayl always had class and style; she is not only a lady, she is a Christian lady.

I am proud of her, and humbled by her courage and strength in the face of impossible odds.

I cherish her.

Gayl - in Memorium (6 months)

Gayl already knows how highly I think of her, but you need to know some of what I do about her. Gayl is a wonderful Christian lady. I have been blessed greater than other man by having Gayl in my life. The best person I have ever known is now with the Lord. I rejoice that she is with Him, that her pain and trials are at an end, and that she is with her beloved dogs; but a life without her is a grim. My light is gone. I, and the world, are the poorer for this loss and heaven has been enriched.

We met 26 October 1974, and she married me 30 August 1975. Gayl was beautiful, on the outside and in her heart. Gayl graduated from Michigan State University College of Osteopathic Medicine as the vice-president of her class in 1981. She succumbed to her fifth bout with cancer on 29 September, 2006. Gayl was a wonderful woman and a blessing. She saved many lives over the course of her twenty-five year medical practice, including mine on two different occasions. A better wife, person, or doctor is not to be found. She was the center of my life, she honored me by sharing her life with me, and her passing leaves a void that is impossible to fill.

Gayl was always my pride, my joy, and my boast. I loved her and always will. I treasure every minute we spent together or even talking on the phone. I treasure the fact that her last minute on Earth was spent holding my hand in such a way that she told me that she loved me. She taught me what it means to be loved. She taught me what it means to be a Christian.

I was priviledged and honored to be Gayl’s husband and friend. She is my best buddy, I was fortunate enough to be hers. She always let me know that I was loved; deeply, truly, and honestly by her with all her heart. Her actions toward me showed that. No man could have a greater gift or a better wife and friend, and I was fortunate enough to receive this gift from her for over 31 years. Her love for me was a gift I did not earn or deserve, Gayl gave it freely from her heart. When I was not a good husband to her, from out of some inexhaustible reserve of love, she would find it in her heart to forgive and to retain her love for me. This, in itself, is amazing and I am humbled and stand in awe of her loving heart and forgiveness. God placed a wonderful person in my life, her love and patience with me passed all understanding. Any good qualities you see in me are due to her influence and guidance; as for the bad, her love, kindness, and sweetness blunted their edge and gradually removed their roots. Her love made me a better man.

Let me tell you of the Gayl I knew, or as she was known when we met, Tink. We met by accident, by the grace of God, at the North Bridge in the Air Force Academy cadet area by the library. She called me sir there, for the first and last time, and asked me to escort her to her car via the cadet area because she could not get from the library to her car without an escort. I walked her to her car and, after 15 seconds or so, as we walked down the “Bring Me Men” ramp, asked her for a date. She said yes, because, as I later found out, she had nothing better to do. We saw the movie Dr Zhivago, she thought I was a dork. I asked her out again, and after sufficient pestering I earned a second date, more because the restaurant we were to go to was nice than the impression I had made on our first date. I made a better impression that second time, and our life together began. I had found the one true love of my life, and miracle of miracles, she fell in love with me. My love for her grew every day, and each day with her was a blessing.

After a few months, I proposed. She said no, as I later found out, to see how I would react. She has a great sense of humor, always did. For example, a few days later, while we were talking on the phone, me in a phone booth, all the freshmen in my squadron attacked, tore off the doors and most of my clothes and started to shave me from head to foot. I barely escaped, only because I had previously told one of my best friends that she had said no to me. She had set the whole thing up, including getting me into the phone booth, because she had somehow learned that the tradition was to shave seniors who got engaged. How she laughed at that. A few weeks later, on Valentine’s Day; I picked her up from her work at Navigators. After a few moments in the car, she asked me if I had any questions for her. Being especially bright, I had no idea what she was talking about. After a bit of prompting by her, it finally dawned what she wanted me to ask. So, I proposed again there in the car while we were driving out of the Navigator’s office complex. Never do that. When she said yes, I nearly drove into the ditch because I was so excited and happy.

As I grew to know her over the years, I learned of her many talents and watched her develop new skills. She excelled at all she did. She plays the piano like a concert pianist. She sings like an angel. She made beautiful ceramics and stained glass. She excelled at woodworking, sewing, knitting, crocheting, cooking, art and car maintenance. Her skills developed over the years until they were quite amazing, to the point where I could not even understand how she did what she did and was simply amazed by the beauty of her creations. Her custom pizza, which we called a world famous, is the best I have ever had. I could tell a million more stories about her, her smile and laugh, her humor, skiing, walking in the mountains, and her wonderful qualities as a woman, friend, and wife. Qualities far surpassing my own meager abilities as a husband.

Gayl was unique. Gayl was active in a wide variety of Christian activities, and was highly skilled in woodworking, ceramics, photography, music, automotive reconditioning, and many other creative, artistic spheres of activity. And Gayl loves movies. Her memory for movie details is incredible, she loved all kinds of movies: romances, romantic, war, drama, action, sci-fi. We watched her favorites, Star Wars, True Lies, Harry Potter, Sharky’s Machine, Somewhere in Time, Ben Hur, The 10 Commandments, It Happened One Night, Where Eagles Dare, Die Hard, The Shadow, Indiana Jones, Titanic, El Cid, A Christmas Carol, It’s a Wonderful Life, Dr Zhivago, Scrooged, Shining Through, The Great Escape, Speed, Spartacus, Shawshank Redemption, Judge Roy Bean, and more again and again. And TV too, programs like Star Trek, 24, St Elsewhere, Dynasty, Wild, Wild West; all the classics. We played a game of remembering trivia about movies and TV, and she was right more often than not. While Gayl was a gifted artisan in many domains, any of which would have been lucrative and given her a comfortable life; her calling, her passion, and deepest commitment, was the practice of medicine. Her technical medical skills were unsurpassed. She was board certified in emergency medicine and practiced in many states within the US. She authored several papers related to the use of computerization and virtual reality technologies in emergency room settings. But it was not her intelligence and medical knowledge that distinguished her from her peers; it was her continual, heartfelt commitment to patient care and to the complete patient. Gayl wanted to be a doctor, and her life and practice showed that Gayl was a true doctor.

A few years after we married, she entered medical school and became class vice-president. I was so proud. She graduated and started her practice. She is a wonderful doctor, her capacity as a physician is beyond belief. A few stories will illustrate what I mean. She saved my life twice, once when I had a brain tumor and once when I had a bleeding ulcer. She stopped at numberless roadside accidents and saved several lives. I would sit in the doctor’s lounge when she was at work, and she would sneak away to talk with me a bit between cases and tell me about the interesting ones. She saved many souls in their last moments in this world. I saw her save many lives, sometimes with little more than her two hands and her wits. She could diagnose disease over a phone better than most physicians could with a complete medical workup and with the patient in front of them. She loved medicine, every part of it. She dispensed her vast medical knowledge and talent freely to any and all in need; and thousands are alive because of her, her skill, and her caring for people as a doctor. One other story illustrates her incredible medical ability. When Gayl was in Kettering hospital this last time, two days before discharge after her surgery (when we still had great hopes) her main doctor told me, completely unexpectedly, that she was the best doctor he had ever worked with and how impressed he was by her knowledge and intelligence and skill as a physician. She earned this complement from a world-class specialist, this complement was earned by a woman with terrible cancer and tremendous amounts of pain medication in her body. Indeed, he even asked where she practiced so that he could consult her and refer patients after her recovery.

Gayl’s practice showed that she knew that the word “doctor” is defined by medical skills and knowledge coupled with beliefs, actions, and compassion toward patients. She knew that “doctor” is neither a title that is granted nor a status obtained, but rather is a standing granted by patients to those physicians whose ethic and way of life place them in the first rank of healers. Gayl was in that first rank of healers, her medical practice evidenced both the compassion and the skill possessed by a true doctor. Dr Gayl, as she was known by her patients, cared greatly for each patient. Gayl took each patient’s worries, fears, and uncertainties into her own heart and provided each patient with comfort, support, and encouragement, even though the support inflicted great personal emotional cost. She did this because she, like all doctors, willingly sacrifices greatly for others. Gayl helped people in all stages of health at all times; she did this because she did not merely settle for victory over disease, she strove for the complete health of the patient. Gayl gave of her medical knowledge and skill freely at all times. She did this out of concern and care for her patients and because, like all true doctors, she knew that its not just the battle against disease and Death that distinguishes or defines the doctor and that the doctor is not defined by one spectacular event or medical victory. Instead, a doctor is defined by a life of compassion, service, and sacrifice.

Gayl was unsurpassed in her “bedside manner.” Gayl is a unique doctor. Highly competent, marvelously so; and yet modest about her skills. She did not ask people to address her as Dr Stytz, Dr Godsell-Stytz, or even Doctor; all she asked was that they call her Dr Gayl. This just shows her compassion and love for her patients, she did all that she could to build a bridge to them so that they could relate to her as a human, talk to her freely and openly and share their hearts with her. Its why her patients cared for her as well as respected her. Parents trusted her with their children, patients trusted her with their lives. And if someone under her care did not survive, she came home and cried for them. She truly loved her fellow man, no matter their station in life or their wealth. Everyone received the best care that she could possibly give, all the time. And because of her care and devotion, many people are alive today who would other wise be dead. It is just natural for her to reach out and help others, this coupled with her tender heart and cheery manner were the foundations of a personality that allowed her to reach out to each patient and relate to them as humans. People bonded deeply and readily with Gayl, and instinctively trusted her with their lives; both because of her evident skill and because of the way she interacted with each patient and of the tenderness, concern, and love she showed to each of them. Like any true doctor, Gayl was modest about her abilities, which were formidable. Gayl overcame much in order to serve, because for a doctor, the quality of patient care must never diminish in spite of the burdens of personal pain, heartache, and anguish that the doctor may carry; burdens caused because a doctor’s emotions are often bruised, a doctor’s confidence and self-esteem can be undermined because of loses in the battle against Death, and because a doctor will face periods of anger or despair in the battle. Gayl suffered all these wounds, and more, due to a life of service to her patients. Gayl was always upbeat but realistic and compassionate with patients, even in the darkest moments of their lives. She did this because she knew that a doctor may be discouraged by the prognosis for a patient, but can never yield in the fight for their patient’s life and health and never lose hope or, more importantly, allow the patient to lose hope. Dr. Gayl, provided the care and caring, compassion and heart, love and concern that are the hallmarks of the ideal doctor. The care, compassion, heart, and love that she showed to each patient arose naturally from her personality, it was not forced or just “put on” for a show for the patients. Her “bedside manner” was natural, and the patient knew it, because she deeply and truly cared for each one.

Compassion without skill is useless. Gayl continually worked on developing her medical skills. While in medical school at Michigan State, during break she would come home with all her books and have me quiz her on entire pages of text and class notes, with her own standard being that she could recite the entire page verbatim. After graduation, her quest to improve her skills intensified. She not only studied medical information more intensely, she also took every step she could think of to improve her skills. She would often scrub for surgeries of any type when she had time available, just to watch and learn. Gayl went to innumerable autopsies; she spent more than one Christmas and New Years’ Day morning watching autopsies being performed while I waited in the car. She decided to become an expert in radiology, even though she practiced emergency medicine, and as a result she studied countless x-rays, examined scans of all types, and talked to any radiologist who would teach her about any of the intricacies of reading an x-ray or other scan. Gayl worked every day to hone her skills, her quest to learn and improve her skills coupled with her awesome memory gave Gayl the medical skills needed to be a truly great doctor. When Gayl was in the Emergency Room working one or more medical crises, with a person’s life in the balance, it was a sight to behold. In the midst of the wild flurry of activity taking place in the effort to preserve the patient’s life she would lead the response to Death’s challenge, the most active of all but at the same time the most calm, focused, aware and intent. She assessed each piece of information calmly and coolly as she applied her prodigious intellect and skills to the multiple critical medical tasks at hand while leading the emergency room team in its response. She was in her element, and more. As Death dispatched successive waves in the attack upon the patient, Dr. Gayl would be at the forefront to meet them and defeat them, with a cool demeanor and outward confidence that inspired all that worked with her. The fire in her blue eyes at these times was the only sign of her determination to fight and win for the patient, she remained calm, cool, composed, and assured no matter how dire the circumstance or complex the medical emergency. Her expertise enabled her to anticipate, recognize, and defeat the tricks employed by Death to steal away a patient’s life. She fought and won many battles against Death, both in the Emergency Room with its full panoply of medical equipment at hand alongside skilled staff, and alone at the roadside, with nothing but her intellect, skill, and ability to lead a few untrained people in the effort to preserve a life. And when she lost a battle, the patient knew that the best had been done and that their dignity and humanity had been preserved in the face of a brutal enemy. She insured that no one ever met Death alone, even if she was the only one there to talk to the patient and hold their hand as they met eternity.

Gayl’s amazing behavior as a doctor makes it difficult to describe her in the emergency room, so let me try by analogy. Though I am a student of history, I know of only one event that can be called upon to illustrate Gayl’s behavior in an emergency medical situation. This event illuminates the skill, calm, grace under pressure, forcefulness, expertise, and unbending will that she brought to bear in every fight against Death. The event of which I speak is to be found in ancient histories that tell of Leonidas and the 300 Spartans at the Battle of Thermopylae. The histories tell us that Xerxes, commanding 2 million warriors, watched the 300 attack and defeat twenty times their number. As the 300 emerged from confusion of this wild melee, more of Xerxes men moved in to attack the Spartans, supported by thousands of archers whose volleys of arrows, we are told, blotted out the sun. The scene was one of total chaos. Yet, in response to Xerxes’ new attack, the Spartans, under Leonidas’ leadership, reformed their ranks in the face of the murderous volleys of arrows and advanced against the next attacking wave of Xerxes’ army. Upon seeing this display of leadership, skill, training, and determination by Leonidas and his Spartans, it is told that Xerxes leapt to his feet out of panic and fear for the safety of his army in the face of the Spartan onslaught. Gayl, in her defense of the patient against Death, at least equaled Leonidas in his battle against Xerxes. As each victory was won in the fight for the patient, Dr. Gayl marshaled her forces and advanced to the next challenge, with a coolness, determination, and discipline that was awesome to behold. I cannot help but think that more than once, Death himself doubted the ability of his black legions to withstand the charge she led against them, even though at times the outcome was, like for the 300, a foregone conclusion. The times I saw her at work, I scarcely recognized this medical warrior as the woman I married; my pride and admiration knew no bounds.

And her dogs. We can’t forget them. How she cherished them, loved them, and cared for them and how much happiness they gave to her. Each one was special to her, and they all jumped for joy whenever she came home. Thor, Winston, Lydia, Leah, Bessie, Levi, Jessica, Micah, Munchkin, Arthur, Morgan, Gavin, Duncan, Ellysse, and the rest all knew that they were loved by her, and she doted on them. They were her pleasure and joy, even in the worst of times.

But it is not merely her many talents, abilities and qualities, nor is it her excellence as a physician that I want to emphasize. Instead, it is her loving kindness and her shining Christian example. What a believer, what great faith she displayed. You need to know that there was never a day in the last 19 years when she was pain free; some days were worse than others but no day was without excruciating pain, pain we could get no doctor to treat because no one believed her. Pain that was, at times, horrible beyond belief. The doctor for her final surgery said that he did not know how she managed to deal with the pain that she must have endured due to the mistakes made in her two previous surgeries. She was misdiagnosed by doctors tens times. She endured several bouts with cancer over the last 13 years, fights she won each time because of her intelligence, tenacity, courage, and; faith. Lawyers misled her and failed in their duties to her. She was treated unjustly by the legal and administrative systems of two states. Her repayment for saving a young man’s life was to be sued by him even though he suffered no damage or harm from her. The legal and medical bills she faced were astronomical. Finally, and worst of all, to my everlasting shame and regret, I broke her heart, terribly. I do not tell you these things to get sympathy for her, that is not Gayl. I tell you these things so that you can join me in praise of her, so you can see how wonderful she was in spite of circumstances that would have broken all but the strongest Christian. Most would have felt sorry for themselves, felt betrayed by the world or God, or turned their back on other people since their own problems were so terrible, overwhelming, and constant. Gayl did not. Gayl rose above her circumstances and responded positively. She rarely complained, and few knew of most of her challenges and the depth of her pain. She took me back into her life. In spite of circumstances, Gayl reached out as a Christian to any one and every one in need. She would not allow pain to defeat her, nor the circumstances of the world. She fought her fights, but was always a Christian lady.

Gayl gave, even when she had little to give and her health was frail. She took time to help any one in need, she gave freely, she helped whomever she could, and this she did without restriction, reservation, or expectation of comparable kindness to her, let alone financial reward. She acted purely out of love for other people and out of her sensitivity and sympathy for others. This in spite of everything that happened to her. Her whole life, but especially these last 19 years, is a shining Christian witness, an example that both humbles me and leads me to praise the Lord and her. I am honored to have been able to help her fight her battles and to stand by her side as she fought; but make no mistake, she carried the load and had the fortitude, faith, and intellect needed to fight the injustices, medical and legal, that she faced. She leaned upon the Lord for strength. She was the warrior, the one with the great heart and tenacity who would not yield to adversity. She may have lost some battles, but she never gave up or gave in. She never betrayed her Christian principles.

Yet Death, seeing in her a foe of matchless quality, attacked her five times in the form of cancer. Four times, she and her physicians beat down the attacks. The fifth time, the attack was overwhelming; she had no chance, no tool to employ, no medicine to try. Yet, even when the outcome was certain, Gayl retained her determination, hope, and faith and she thought and fought for each day right up to the very end. Gayl fought, not out of fear of Death, for her reward is certain, but due to her love of life. In the end, Death won his final battle with Gayl in a craven and cowardly manner; at the end Gayl was unbowed and triumphant. Her faith, bravery, and courage in the face of incredible pain and, later, in the face of the nearly hopeless odds against her in her final fight would put any warrior to shame. But, it is her loving kindness and Christian charity that comes most to mind. To show you the kind of Christian lady she is, even on her last day, she offered help and advice to a nurse attending her. I saw her witness several times her last week. What a wonderful lady she is. Our last few words are for ourselves alone. It was, and always will be, my highest honor to have held her hand at the end and for her last words in this world to be only for and to me. I thank God that I was chosen by her to be blessed with all that she is. I thank God that I was there to hold her hand until the Lord took her hand into His.

It may seem to be a romantic notion, but true doctors never really die and they never die poor. Few, if any, true doctors acquire the wealth and the material things by which most people measure their lives. No accountant can determine the treasure accumulated by a true doctor. A true doctor measures the value of their life by a different scale, and it is by that measure that Dr Gayl’s life must be assessed. A true doctor’s riches and treasure are not material, but are found in the lives of the patients they served. While, for some patients, their memories of the doctor may fade, the spirit of the doctor endures; perpetuated by the impact of the doctor’s actions and caring attitude on the lives of those who were served, and the impact of these lives upon the rest of world. By this measure, Dr. Gayl was wealthy beyond reckoning and amassed a treasure that even time cannot diminish or devalue. Her impact will be great. I have met and worked with astronauts, men who walked on the Moon, Congressional Medal of Honor recipients, Generals, Admirals, Senators, Congressmen, religious leaders, people who some consider great, and people who consider themselves great. Dr. Gayl stands above them all and is the best and bravest person that I know or ever will meet. As a physician, a doctor, and a person Dr. Gayl is unmatched.

I could go on with stories about her and what a unique, wonderful person she is. But, let me conclude. She ran her race, and ran it well. If ever there is anyone who will be greeted by our Lord and told “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” it is Gayl. As for myself, her presence on this Earth gave me the strength and qualities needed to be a gentleman and kept at bay the cold of the world. The void she leaves in my heart and life and in the world, can never be filled. I pray that the rest of my life can serve to honor her and preserve her memory. I miss her. I love her.

Thought

The only difference between then and now;

I love and respect Gayl so much more.

Gayl - the doctor

What type of a doctor is Gayl? Compassionate. Caring. Intelligent. Loving. Serving. One who placed others before herserlf. A doctor who willingly took into her heart the hopes, fears, and terror of people facing horrible situations and helped them through it, no matter the cost to her. She never left a patient's side while there was something she could do for them or while they needed comforting and compassion as they faced illness and death. She would stay there, with the friendless, and listen to them as they met eternity. Every person was important to her. She was the opposite of narcissistic, she placed others before self. Always. She was modest about her skill, self-efacing about her actions, and humble in her accomplishments.

Why is this important? Because so few doctors are this way. Very few are humble. Fewer yet are willing to sit with their patient as they meet eternity. Talk to them and you will find out why; the fact is that the patient's death damages their own self-image as god-like dispensers of healing, their narcissistic views of themselves as perfect or nearly-so. To see the failure, no matter the need of the patient or the family, is more than the average doctor can bear. Their egos are too dependent upon their inflated view of their importance and infallability. So, doctors do not help patients, they treat them and leave them to die alone. They break the trust we place in them, their behavior is narcissistic and self-interested whereas a good doctor is neither of these things. Read the references below, they will give you insight into the psyche of a doctor; most are inflated, self-important, egotistic, narcissistic souls who deny their own failures and shortcomings and blame others, including (ESPECIALLY including) their patients for the patients' problems and inability to get better. How unlike Gayl they are.

Gayl's willingness to stay and help, her compassion, her love for every person she treated, sets her apart from her peers. Some may be as bright and skillful. Some may be as knowledgeable. But none are more compassionate. This is why Gayl, as a doctor, stands out from other doctors in such stark relief. Where they avoid facing their medical failures, their humanity, their inability to cure all, by running and hiding from the patient in need; Gayl stayed with the patient precisely because they were in need. In need of more than medicine but rather in need of a human touch and compassion and empathy as they fought their fight. How can I get others to see what I saw? She would stay with anyone, anytime. I saw her, more than once, stay with a lonely dying person as they passed away just so that they would not be alone. And then go home heartbroken and shattered by the emotional cost she bore by being at the bedside. But, she is too good of a doctor to turn from someone in need, so she stayed. Not because the person in the bed was famous or rich. Usually they were poor, indigent, worn down by a cruel world and without hope. She gave them hope. She saved souls in those last moments. She gave compassion and love to people she did not know. And then came home and cried for them. How many doctors do that, today? How many doctors fight for their patient's lives and dignity, today. Gayl did. She showed us all what a Christian doctor is like. I honor her for it and love her all the more.

The world is a poorer place and I am a poorer man because she is not with us.


REFERENCES
Jeffrey Adams and Eric Williams, eds., Mimetic Desire: Essays on Narcissism in German Literature From Romanticism to Post-Modernism (Columbia, S.C.: Camden House, 1995), p. 18.

M. Scott Peck, People of the Lie: The Hope For Healing Human Evil (New York, Touchstone, 1998).

See Chapers 2 and 3 of Lyall Watson, Dark Nature: A Natural History of Evil (New York: HarperCollins, 1995).

Sigmund Freud, “On Narcissism, An Introduction,” in James Strachey, ed., The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, vol. XIV (London: Hogarth Press, 1962), p. 74.

Alexander Lowen, M.D., Narcissism: Denial Of the True Self (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1997), p. 6.

See chapter 14 in Theodore Millon, with Roger D. Davis, Disorders of Personality: DSM-IV and Beyond, 2nd edition (John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 1996), pp, 505-539.

W. John Livesley, ed., The DSM-IV Personality Disorders (New York: Guilford Press, 1995).

Erich Fromm, The Heart of Man: Its Genius For Good and Evil (New York: Harper and Row, 1964), pp. 65-68, 77.

Peck, People of the Lie, pp. 66, 226.

Susan Bridle, “The Seeds of the Self: An Interview With Otto Kernberg,” What is Enlightenment?, no. 17 (Spring-Summer, 2000), http://www.wie.org/j17/kern.asp

Benedict Carey, “For the Worst of Us, the Diagnosis May Be ‘Evil’,” New York Times, February 8, 2005.

Of the two, Aristotle placed greater importance on malice, insisting that one can be forgiven for a wrong action because we all make mistakes, but never for a wrong desire.

See David Hume, An Enquiry Concerning the Principles of Morals (La Salle, Illinois: Open Court, 1966).

Lowen, Narcissism, p. 13.

Barbara Ann Shapiro, Literature and the Relational Self (New York & London: New York University Press, 1994), p. 11.

Adams and Williams, “Introduction,” pp. 5, 16.

Bridle, “The Seeds of the Self: An Interview With Otto Kernberg.”

Adams and Williams, “Introduction,” pp. 6-7.

Lowen, Narcissism, pp. 6-7.

Freud, “On Narcissism, An Introduction,” pp. 73-75, 93, 87-88.

Lowen, Narcissism, p. 12.

See George Victor, Hitler: The Pathology of Evil (Washington: Brassey’s, 2000).

“Beneath Narcissism Lie Fear and Self-Loathing,” San Francisco Chronicle, October 20, 2002, p. E9.

John Clute and John Grant, The Encyclopedia of Fantasy (New York: St. Martin’s, 1999), p. 249.

Freud, “On Narcissism,” p. 89.

Lowen, Narcissism, pp. xi, 13-14.

Clute and Grant, Encyclopedia of Fantasy, p. 249

Bridle, “The Seeds of the Self: An Interview with Otto Kernberg.”

Freud, “On Narcissism,” pp. 99, 98, 85.

Bridle, “The Seeds of the Self: An Interview with Otto Kernberg.”

Adam Gopnik, “Death of a Fish,” The New Yorker, July 4, 2005, p. 46.

Fromm, Heart of Man, p. 36.

See Edward O. Wilson, Sociobiology (1975), and Richard Dawkins, The Selfish Gene.

Malachi Martin, Hostage to the Devil (HarperSanFrancisco, 1992), p. 10.

“Confessions of BTK,” Dateline NBC, August 12, 2005.

Roxana Hegeman, “BTK Defendant Pleads Guilty,” San Francisco Chronicle, June 28, 2005, p. A5.

Carl Jung, “Introduction to the Problems of Alchemy,” in Jung On Evil, selected and introduced by Murray Stein (Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University, 1995), p. 34.

Marie-Louise von Franz, Shadow and Evil in Fairy Tales (Boston & London: Shambhala, 1995), pp. 4-5.

“Projection” is a defense mechanism “by which characteristics or desires that are unacceptable to a person’s ego are externalized or projected onto someone else.” Mike Cardwell, Shaum’s A-Z Psychology (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2003), pp. 192, 213.


Lowen, Narcissism, p. 15.

Hicks, 50 Signs of Mental Illness, p. 128.

The Letters of J. R. R. Tolkien, edited by Humphrey Carpenter with the assistance of Christopher Tolkien (Boston, New York: Houghton Mifflin Co., 2000), pp. 243-244.

Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, “The End of Time,” in Tiemo Rainer Peters and Claus Urban (eds.), The End of Time?: The Provocation of Talking About God (New York: Paulist Press, 2004), p. 23.