Thinking of Gayl

What people do not realize is that Gayl showed me what life can be. I was, for all intents and purposes, dead before I met her. I did nothing but work and duty; and had no idea what it meant to be loved by someone. Or even to want to share my life with someone. I figured that the way I lived was the way all people lived. And then Gayl showed me that there was more. That there was so much more to life, that life was meant to be shared and that when you were loved by someone it made all the difference. Things were better when shared with someone you love and who loved you. Just being with someone you loved made every day worth living. I never had any idea what it was like to be loved, or even liked. My parents had never shown me. I had guy friends, but its not the same. Gayl shown me what it meant to be a human and to be alive; and joy and happiness could be, because they are meant to arise from sharing the experience with some you love and who loves you. And without Gayl, all of that is gone. There is nothing left. There is nothing that can give me joy or happiness. And even when my spirits lift a bit, I feel guilt because she is not here. And the loneliness is like a great, dark cloud over me heart. The loneliness never leaves, but there are times when it becomes so great that it feels like I will be crushed and my heart along with it.

People need to realize how wonderful a person Gayl is and just how much we have lost. I say this not out of grief, though that is sometimes overwhelming, but because it is true. She is so nice, considerate, polite, caring, compassionate, and loving toward everyone. And a wonderful doctor too. And I keep saying these things, and no one listens. She should still be alive. The doctors misdiagnosed her several times, and it was only her knowledge as a doctor that saved her; and that was when she was in great pain, horrible pain. Her parents never supported her, never encouraged her, never gave her the praise and recognition that she so richly deserved. Instead, they used her. They criticized her. They harped on her failings and her sicknesses. They never lent support when she needed it. They never encouraged her. They beat her down and always tried to manipulate her. They attacked me through her, they lacked the guts to tell me to my face what they thought of me; instead they attacked Gayl and hurt her, and intensified the attacks as she grew sicker and weaker. They abused her mentally. And they never, ever, showed her that they loved her and accepted her. I would gladly have died in her place, they would never do anything for her no matter how dire the need. I despise her parents as people, they are not worthy of such a wonderful person as their daughter.

My life and heart belongs to Gayl and always will. My job is to bring honor to her memory.


Its been too long without Gayl. My heart is dead and life seems to useless. What I would not give to hear just a few words from her, I miss her so very much. There is no fun or pleasure to be had without her. I would rather sit with her and watch TV than do anything in the world. Or do anything that she wants. I feel ashamed to do anything that is fun, let alone having fun, because I want her to share it. She owns my heart, now and always. Being without her is a torture, and a heartbreak everyday; indeed several times per day. What right do I have to enjoy anything when all we sacrificed for is gone. There is so much I wanted to do with her, and now the very idea of doing any of those things leaves me feeling guilty and shamed. I do not deserve to do the fun things that we planned without her. I should have taken her place, she is the better person and the more worthwhile one. Words fail me, I do not know what to day to convey all that she means to me. The sadness of being without her is sometimes overwhelming. I don't mean to be selfish, but I want to be with her. I don't even want to consider being with someone else, she is the only person for me. And I did not tell her that enough. I miss her so very much. It is so strange, sometimes it will just hit me like a ton of bricks and the future looks so bleak without her in it. I don't know how to survive without her. And, if anything, the pain is worse. At first, it was the shock of it all. Now, the horrible fact is sinking in. And death would be a comfort, at least then I would be with her again. I used to work hard to try to build a future for us, now its just to fill in the hours until I can be with her again.