Saturday, February 23, 2008
Why Did it Have to Be?
Hi sweetheart,
Why did the things happen that happened? Why could I never find a way to happiness for us? Why were we always stuck in strife and illness? I feel like I let you down, that there was something I could have done. I lie awake at night replaying the years and while I see the better path now, at the time I did not. And so I feel like a failure. But the decisions seemed logical at the time and the right thing to do. I guess that is why I am so paralyzed about what to do now. I would give anything to change even one decision, to have you still by my side, and to have your wise counsel. It seems like we were just on a slide that was doomed to end the way it did, but why? I am sorry, I feel like I failed you.
I am proud and honored to be your husband and best buddy; you were, are, and always will be my best buddy and most beloved wife. I was always proud of you, and I still love to boast about you. I love you dearly and miss you terribly all the time. The pain is not less, and it seems like 29 September 2006 was just yesterday; and all of this is a nightmare that I cannot wake from. I can still see you in my minds eye, so many of my favorite memories as well as the one I want to forget but seems to force its way, unbidden, to my mind often every day; that horrible image of you after the end of our battle with cancer. When you were finally pain-free and with our Lord, and I had to begin to be without you. There are so many mornings when I want to call, and then remember I can't. So many times I want to hear your voice. And facing each day without the prospect of you being in it is sometimes more than I can bear. Each morning is a new challenge, just getting up and doing life without the chance to see you is difficult. I thank God that He blessed me by bringing us together, but I wish He had let me do more to save you. But maybe there was nothing to do and choices we made long ago beat us in the end. I do not know. I do know that I miss you very much.
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Now playing: James Horner - Star Trek II—The Wrath of Khan: End Credits
via FoxyTunes
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Gayl on our Valentine's Day anniversary
Gayl accepted my proposal on Valentine's Day in 1974. I love her even more now.
Gayl already knows how highly I think of her, but you need to know some of what I do about her. Gayl is a wonderful Christian lady. I have been blessed greater than other man by having Gayl in my life. The best person I have ever known is now with the Lord. I rejoice that she is with Him, that her pain and trials are at an end, and that she is with her beloved dogs; but a life without her is a grim. My light is gone. I, and the world, are the poorer for this loss and heaven has been enriched.
Gayl was always my pride, my joy, and my boast. I loved her and always will. I treasure every minute we spent together or even talking on the phone. I treasure the fact that her last minute on Earth was spent holding my hand in such a way that she told me that she loved me. She taught me what it means to be loved. She taught me what it means to be a Christian.
I was priviledged and honored to be Gayl’s husband and friend. She is my best buddy, I was fortunate enough to be hers. She always let me know that I was loved; deeply, truly, and honestly by her with all her heart. Her actions toward me showed that. No man could have a greater gift or a better wife and friend, and I was fortunate enough to receive this gift from her for over 31 years. Her love for me was a gift I did not earn or deserve, Gayl gave it freely from her heart. When I was not a good husband to her, from out of some inexhaustible reserve of love, she would find it in her heart to forgive and to retain her love for me. This, in itself, is amazing and I am humbled and stand in awe of her loving heart and forgiveness. God placed a wonderful person in my life, her love and patience with me passed all understanding. Any good qualities you see in me are due to her influence and guidance; as for the bad, her love, kindness, and sweetness blunted their edge and gradually removed their roots. Her love made me a better man.
Let me tell you of the Gayl I knew, or as she was known when we met, Tink. We met by accident, by the grace of God, at the North Bridge in the Air Force Academy cadet area by the library. She called me sir there, for the first and last time, and asked me to escort her to her car via the cadet area because she could not get from the library to her car without an escort. I walked her to her car and, after 15 seconds or so, as we walked down the “Bring Me Men” ramp, asked her for a date. She said yes, because, as I later found out, she had nothing better to do. We saw the movie Dr Zhivago, she thought I was a dork. I asked her out again, and after sufficient pestering I earned a second date, more because the restaurant we were to go to was nice than the impression I had made on our first date. I made a better impression that second time, and our life together began. I had found the one true love of my life, and miracle of miracles, she fell in love with me. My love for her grew every day, and each day with her was a blessing.
After a few months, I proposed. She said no, as I later found out, to see how I would react. She has a great sense of humor, always did. For example, a few days later, while we were talking on the phone, me in a phone booth, all the freshmen in my squadron attacked, tore off the doors and most of my clothes and started to shave me from head to foot. I barely escaped, only because I had previously told one of my best friends that she had said no to me. She had set the whole thing up, including getting me into the phone booth, because she had somehow learned that the tradition was to shave seniors who got engaged. How she laughed at that. A few weeks later, on Valentine’s Day; I picked her up from her work at Navigators. After a few moments in the car, she asked me if I had any questions for her. Being especially bright, I had no idea what she was talking about. After a bit of prompting by her, it finally dawned what she wanted me to ask. So, I proposed again there in the car while we were driving out of the Navigator’s office complex. Never do that. When she said yes, I nearly drove into the ditch because I was so excited and happy.
As I grew to know her over the years, I learned of her many talents and watched her develop new skills. She excelled at all she did. She plays the piano like a concert pianist. She sings like an angel. She made beautiful ceramics and stained glass. She excelled at woodworking, sewing, knitting, crocheting, cooking, art and car maintenance. Her skills developed over the years until they were quite amazing, to the point where I could not even understand how she did what she did and was simply amazed by the beauty of her creations. Her custom pizza, which we called a world famous, is the best I have ever had. I could tell a million more stories about her, her smile and laugh, her humor, skiing, walking in the mountains, and her wonderful qualities as a woman, friend, and wife. Qualities far surpassing my own meager abilities as a husband.
She loves movies. Her memory for movie details is incredible, she loved all kinds of movies: romances, romantic, war, drama, action, sci-fi. We watched her favorites, Star Wars, True Lies, Harry Potter, Sharky’s Machine, Somewhere in Time, Ben Hur, The 10 Commandments, It Happened One Night, Where Eagles Dare, Die Hard, The Shadow, Indiana Jones, Titanic, El Cid, A Christmas Carol, It’s a Wonderful Life, Dr Zhivago, Scrooged, Shining Through, The Great Escape, Speed, Spartacus, Shawshank Redemption, Judge Roy Bean, and more again and again. And TV too, programs like Star Trek, 24, St Elsewhere, Dynasty, Wild, Wild West; all the classics. We played a game of remembering trivia about movies and TV, and she was right more often than not.
A few years after we married, she entered medical school and became class vice-president. I was so proud. She graduated and started her practice. She is a wonderful doctor, her capacity as a physician is beyond belief. A few stories will illustrate what I mean. She saved my life twice, once when I had a brain tumor and once when I had a bleeding ulcer. She stopped at numberless roadside accidents and saved several lives. I would sit in the doctor’s lounge when she was at work, and she would sneak away to talk with me a bit between cases and tell me about the interesting ones. She saved many souls in their last moments in this world. I saw her save many lives, sometimes with little more than her two hands and her wits. She could diagnose disease over a phone better than most physicians could with a complete medical workup and with the patient in front of them. She loved medicine, every part of it. She dispensed her vast medical knowledge and talent freely to any and all in need; and thousands are alive because of her, her skill, and her caring for people as a doctor. One other story illustrates her incredible medical ability. When Gayl was in Kettering hospital this last time, two days before discharge after her surgery (when we still had great hopes) her main doctor told me, completely unexpectedly, that she was the best doctor he had ever worked with and how impressed he was by her knowledge and intelligence and skill as a physician. She earned this complement from a world-class specialist, this complement was earned by a woman with terrible cancer and tremendous amounts of pain medication in her body. Indeed, he even asked where she practiced so that he could consult her and refer patients after her recovery.
And her dogs. We can’t forget them. How she cherished them, loved them, and cared for them and how much happiness they gave to her. Each one was special to her, and they all jumped for joy whenever she came home. Thor, Winston, Lydia, Leah, Bessie, Levi, Jessica, Micah, Munchkin, Arthur, Morgan, Gavin, Duncan, Ellysse, and the rest all knew that they were loved by her, and she doted on them. They were her pleasure and joy, even in the worst of times.
But it is not merely her many talents, abilities and qualities, nor is it her excellence as a physician that I want to emphasize. Instead, it is her loving kindness and her shining Christian example. What a believer, what great faith she displayed. You need to know that there was never a day in the last 19 years when she was pain free; some days were worse than others but no day was without excruciating pain, pain we could get no doctor to treat because no one believed her. Pain that was, at times, horrible beyond belief. The doctor for her final surgery said that he did not know how she managed to deal with the pain that she must have endured due to the mistakes made in her two previous surgeries. She was misdiagnosed by doctors tens times. She endured several bouts with cancer over the last 13 years, fights she won each time because of her intelligence, tenacity, courage, and; faith. Lawyers misled her and failed in their duties to her. She was treated unjustly by the legal and administrative systems of two states. Her repayment for saving a young man’s life was to be sued by him even though he suffered no damage or harm from her. The legal and medical bills she faced were astronomical. Finally, and worst of all, to my everlasting shame and regret, I broke her heart, terribly. I do not tell you these things to get sympathy for her, that is not Gayl. I tell you these things so that you can join me in praise of her, so you can see how wonderful she was in spite of circumstances that would have broken all but the strongest Christian. Most would have felt sorry for themselves, felt betrayed by the world or God, or turned their back on other people since their own problems were so terrible, overwhelming, and constant. Gayl did not. Gayl rose above her circumstances and responded positively. She rarely complained, and few knew of most of her challenges and the depth of her pain. She took me back into her life. In spite of circumstances, Gayl reached out as a Christian to any one and every one in need. She would not allow pain to defeat her, nor the circumstances of the world. She fought her fights, but was always a Christian lady.
Gayl gave, even when she had little to give and her health was frail. She took time to help any one in need, she gave freely, she helped whomever she could, and this she did without restriction, reservation, or expectation of comparable kindness to her, let alone financial reward. She acted purely out of love for other people and out of her sensitivity and sympathy for others. This in spite of everything that happened to her. Her whole life, but especially these last 19 years, is a shining Christian witness, an example that both humbles me and leads me to praise the Lord and her. I am honored to have been able to help her fight her battles and to stand by her side as she fought; but make no mistake, she carried the load and had the fortitude, faith, and intellect needed to fight the injustices, medical and legal, that she faced. She leaned upon the Lord for strength. She was the warrior, the one with the great heart and tenacity who would not yield to adversity. She may have lost some battles, but she never gave up or gave in. She never betrayed her Christian principles.
Her faith, bravery, and courage in the face of incredible pain and, later, in the face of the nearly hopeless odds against her in her final fight would put any warrior to shame. But, it is her loving kindness and Christian charity that comes most to mind. To show you the kind of Christian lady she is, even on her last day, she offered help and advice to a nurse attending her. I saw her witness several times her last week. What a wonderful lady she is. Our last few words are for ourselves alone, but rest assured that the other times we talked, she expressed her love for and thought of every one in her family and her friends. I thank God that I was chosen by her to be blessed with all that she is. I thank God that I was there to hold her hand until the Lord took her hand into His.
I could go on with stories about her and what a unique, wonderful person she is. But, let me conclude. She ran her race, and ran it well. If ever there is anyone who will be greeted by our Lord and told “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” it is Gayl. As for myself, her presence on this Earth gave me the strength and qualities needed to be a gentleman and kept at bay the cold of the world. The void she leaves in my heart and life and in the world, can never be filled. I pray that the rest of my life can serve to honor her and preserve her memory. I miss her.
One thing that everyone should know. There was only one who was always faithful throughout all of Gayl’s medical and legal battles. Who stood with us, who helped, who encouraged and gave strength. Jesus. He was always there, He gave me the strength I needed to do all I did for Gayl; He carried the load. I am so grateful to Him for all He did, and He deserves all the praise, not me. I was just the tool in His hand. When everyone else, all the doctors, nurses, lawyers, her family, everyone left Gayl, in pain, to face injustices alone and even to die by herself; He was there with her and with me. He is, was, and shall forever be faithful and trustworthy. I love Gayl, sure; with all my heart, but without Him I could never have had the strength to stay by Gayl’s side through everything for 19 years. So, don’t praise me or think I am anything special, praise Jesus because He did it all.
Gayl already knows how highly I think of her, but you need to know some of what I do about her. Gayl is a wonderful Christian lady. I have been blessed greater than other man by having Gayl in my life. The best person I have ever known is now with the Lord. I rejoice that she is with Him, that her pain and trials are at an end, and that she is with her beloved dogs; but a life without her is a grim. My light is gone. I, and the world, are the poorer for this loss and heaven has been enriched.
Gayl was always my pride, my joy, and my boast. I loved her and always will. I treasure every minute we spent together or even talking on the phone. I treasure the fact that her last minute on Earth was spent holding my hand in such a way that she told me that she loved me. She taught me what it means to be loved. She taught me what it means to be a Christian.
I was priviledged and honored to be Gayl’s husband and friend. She is my best buddy, I was fortunate enough to be hers. She always let me know that I was loved; deeply, truly, and honestly by her with all her heart. Her actions toward me showed that. No man could have a greater gift or a better wife and friend, and I was fortunate enough to receive this gift from her for over 31 years. Her love for me was a gift I did not earn or deserve, Gayl gave it freely from her heart. When I was not a good husband to her, from out of some inexhaustible reserve of love, she would find it in her heart to forgive and to retain her love for me. This, in itself, is amazing and I am humbled and stand in awe of her loving heart and forgiveness. God placed a wonderful person in my life, her love and patience with me passed all understanding. Any good qualities you see in me are due to her influence and guidance; as for the bad, her love, kindness, and sweetness blunted their edge and gradually removed their roots. Her love made me a better man.
Let me tell you of the Gayl I knew, or as she was known when we met, Tink. We met by accident, by the grace of God, at the North Bridge in the Air Force Academy cadet area by the library. She called me sir there, for the first and last time, and asked me to escort her to her car via the cadet area because she could not get from the library to her car without an escort. I walked her to her car and, after 15 seconds or so, as we walked down the “Bring Me Men” ramp, asked her for a date. She said yes, because, as I later found out, she had nothing better to do. We saw the movie Dr Zhivago, she thought I was a dork. I asked her out again, and after sufficient pestering I earned a second date, more because the restaurant we were to go to was nice than the impression I had made on our first date. I made a better impression that second time, and our life together began. I had found the one true love of my life, and miracle of miracles, she fell in love with me. My love for her grew every day, and each day with her was a blessing.
After a few months, I proposed. She said no, as I later found out, to see how I would react. She has a great sense of humor, always did. For example, a few days later, while we were talking on the phone, me in a phone booth, all the freshmen in my squadron attacked, tore off the doors and most of my clothes and started to shave me from head to foot. I barely escaped, only because I had previously told one of my best friends that she had said no to me. She had set the whole thing up, including getting me into the phone booth, because she had somehow learned that the tradition was to shave seniors who got engaged. How she laughed at that. A few weeks later, on Valentine’s Day; I picked her up from her work at Navigators. After a few moments in the car, she asked me if I had any questions for her. Being especially bright, I had no idea what she was talking about. After a bit of prompting by her, it finally dawned what she wanted me to ask. So, I proposed again there in the car while we were driving out of the Navigator’s office complex. Never do that. When she said yes, I nearly drove into the ditch because I was so excited and happy.
As I grew to know her over the years, I learned of her many talents and watched her develop new skills. She excelled at all she did. She plays the piano like a concert pianist. She sings like an angel. She made beautiful ceramics and stained glass. She excelled at woodworking, sewing, knitting, crocheting, cooking, art and car maintenance. Her skills developed over the years until they were quite amazing, to the point where I could not even understand how she did what she did and was simply amazed by the beauty of her creations. Her custom pizza, which we called a world famous, is the best I have ever had. I could tell a million more stories about her, her smile and laugh, her humor, skiing, walking in the mountains, and her wonderful qualities as a woman, friend, and wife. Qualities far surpassing my own meager abilities as a husband.
She loves movies. Her memory for movie details is incredible, she loved all kinds of movies: romances, romantic, war, drama, action, sci-fi. We watched her favorites, Star Wars, True Lies, Harry Potter, Sharky’s Machine, Somewhere in Time, Ben Hur, The 10 Commandments, It Happened One Night, Where Eagles Dare, Die Hard, The Shadow, Indiana Jones, Titanic, El Cid, A Christmas Carol, It’s a Wonderful Life, Dr Zhivago, Scrooged, Shining Through, The Great Escape, Speed, Spartacus, Shawshank Redemption, Judge Roy Bean, and more again and again. And TV too, programs like Star Trek, 24, St Elsewhere, Dynasty, Wild, Wild West; all the classics. We played a game of remembering trivia about movies and TV, and she was right more often than not.
A few years after we married, she entered medical school and became class vice-president. I was so proud. She graduated and started her practice. She is a wonderful doctor, her capacity as a physician is beyond belief. A few stories will illustrate what I mean. She saved my life twice, once when I had a brain tumor and once when I had a bleeding ulcer. She stopped at numberless roadside accidents and saved several lives. I would sit in the doctor’s lounge when she was at work, and she would sneak away to talk with me a bit between cases and tell me about the interesting ones. She saved many souls in their last moments in this world. I saw her save many lives, sometimes with little more than her two hands and her wits. She could diagnose disease over a phone better than most physicians could with a complete medical workup and with the patient in front of them. She loved medicine, every part of it. She dispensed her vast medical knowledge and talent freely to any and all in need; and thousands are alive because of her, her skill, and her caring for people as a doctor. One other story illustrates her incredible medical ability. When Gayl was in Kettering hospital this last time, two days before discharge after her surgery (when we still had great hopes) her main doctor told me, completely unexpectedly, that she was the best doctor he had ever worked with and how impressed he was by her knowledge and intelligence and skill as a physician. She earned this complement from a world-class specialist, this complement was earned by a woman with terrible cancer and tremendous amounts of pain medication in her body. Indeed, he even asked where she practiced so that he could consult her and refer patients after her recovery.
And her dogs. We can’t forget them. How she cherished them, loved them, and cared for them and how much happiness they gave to her. Each one was special to her, and they all jumped for joy whenever she came home. Thor, Winston, Lydia, Leah, Bessie, Levi, Jessica, Micah, Munchkin, Arthur, Morgan, Gavin, Duncan, Ellysse, and the rest all knew that they were loved by her, and she doted on them. They were her pleasure and joy, even in the worst of times.
But it is not merely her many talents, abilities and qualities, nor is it her excellence as a physician that I want to emphasize. Instead, it is her loving kindness and her shining Christian example. What a believer, what great faith she displayed. You need to know that there was never a day in the last 19 years when she was pain free; some days were worse than others but no day was without excruciating pain, pain we could get no doctor to treat because no one believed her. Pain that was, at times, horrible beyond belief. The doctor for her final surgery said that he did not know how she managed to deal with the pain that she must have endured due to the mistakes made in her two previous surgeries. She was misdiagnosed by doctors tens times. She endured several bouts with cancer over the last 13 years, fights she won each time because of her intelligence, tenacity, courage, and; faith. Lawyers misled her and failed in their duties to her. She was treated unjustly by the legal and administrative systems of two states. Her repayment for saving a young man’s life was to be sued by him even though he suffered no damage or harm from her. The legal and medical bills she faced were astronomical. Finally, and worst of all, to my everlasting shame and regret, I broke her heart, terribly. I do not tell you these things to get sympathy for her, that is not Gayl. I tell you these things so that you can join me in praise of her, so you can see how wonderful she was in spite of circumstances that would have broken all but the strongest Christian. Most would have felt sorry for themselves, felt betrayed by the world or God, or turned their back on other people since their own problems were so terrible, overwhelming, and constant. Gayl did not. Gayl rose above her circumstances and responded positively. She rarely complained, and few knew of most of her challenges and the depth of her pain. She took me back into her life. In spite of circumstances, Gayl reached out as a Christian to any one and every one in need. She would not allow pain to defeat her, nor the circumstances of the world. She fought her fights, but was always a Christian lady.
Gayl gave, even when she had little to give and her health was frail. She took time to help any one in need, she gave freely, she helped whomever she could, and this she did without restriction, reservation, or expectation of comparable kindness to her, let alone financial reward. She acted purely out of love for other people and out of her sensitivity and sympathy for others. This in spite of everything that happened to her. Her whole life, but especially these last 19 years, is a shining Christian witness, an example that both humbles me and leads me to praise the Lord and her. I am honored to have been able to help her fight her battles and to stand by her side as she fought; but make no mistake, she carried the load and had the fortitude, faith, and intellect needed to fight the injustices, medical and legal, that she faced. She leaned upon the Lord for strength. She was the warrior, the one with the great heart and tenacity who would not yield to adversity. She may have lost some battles, but she never gave up or gave in. She never betrayed her Christian principles.
Her faith, bravery, and courage in the face of incredible pain and, later, in the face of the nearly hopeless odds against her in her final fight would put any warrior to shame. But, it is her loving kindness and Christian charity that comes most to mind. To show you the kind of Christian lady she is, even on her last day, she offered help and advice to a nurse attending her. I saw her witness several times her last week. What a wonderful lady she is. Our last few words are for ourselves alone, but rest assured that the other times we talked, she expressed her love for and thought of every one in her family and her friends. I thank God that I was chosen by her to be blessed with all that she is. I thank God that I was there to hold her hand until the Lord took her hand into His.
I could go on with stories about her and what a unique, wonderful person she is. But, let me conclude. She ran her race, and ran it well. If ever there is anyone who will be greeted by our Lord and told “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” it is Gayl. As for myself, her presence on this Earth gave me the strength and qualities needed to be a gentleman and kept at bay the cold of the world. The void she leaves in my heart and life and in the world, can never be filled. I pray that the rest of my life can serve to honor her and preserve her memory. I miss her.
One thing that everyone should know. There was only one who was always faithful throughout all of Gayl’s medical and legal battles. Who stood with us, who helped, who encouraged and gave strength. Jesus. He was always there, He gave me the strength I needed to do all I did for Gayl; He carried the load. I am so grateful to Him for all He did, and He deserves all the praise, not me. I was just the tool in His hand. When everyone else, all the doctors, nurses, lawyers, her family, everyone left Gayl, in pain, to face injustices alone and even to die by herself; He was there with her and with me. He is, was, and shall forever be faithful and trustworthy. I love Gayl, sure; with all my heart, but without Him I could never have had the strength to stay by Gayl’s side through everything for 19 years. So, don’t praise me or think I am anything special, praise Jesus because He did it all.
Friday, February 08, 2008
Gayl the doctor
I refuse to believe that there was not more that could have been done for Gayl. Why give up? Because the doctors had no imagination and because they could see no benefit for the money that would have to be spent. Even though I waved bank accounts and credit cards at them, they were just not going to try. Well, why could we not just have a series of surgeries to remove the cancer, surgeries that used both MRI images and microscopic surgery. Maybe multiple surgeries over a period of a week or two. I suggested this approach, and the doctors said no, it would not work. Why not? Cost? I'll bet they were afraid that they would not be reimbursed by the government if they did the surgical approach. So, they just sat back, got their money, and left her to do what she could without any medical help. Doctors cannot treat people properly, and its all because the dam insurance companies control the delivery of medical care. And it does not matter what an individual offers to the doctor in terms of money, it just does not matter. The insurance companies have too much power and they do not care who they kill as long as they can get their money. We need to get away from insurance companies being in control, and definitely not use a single payer or government controlled medical payment system.
And no one, and I mean no one, in the system cared about Gayl's pain, her health, or anything about her. Neither did her family or friends. If the legal system, or any one of the doctors, or any of the government bureaucrats had bothered do do anything other than eat their lunch and screw off while trying to keep their useless jobs; if any of these people had ever, ever bothered to listen, let alone fix Gayl's pain then we could have beat the final disease. The only thing that the doctors and insurance companies ever cared about was money. The only thing that the bureaucrats cared about was keeping her in their system and notching up another score for themselves. I was literally the only one fighting alongside Gayl to help her. And I am not a doctor, I can't do medical things and no one would listen to me.
You see, for all these government people in Ohio and Michigan; for ALL of them, Gayl was expendable. They slaughtered her. She was just a tool to advance their careers. They did not care about the results to her of the many injustices that they inflicted upon her. Well, she is not expendable. She is everything for me. And I don't care what happens to them, but people will know what they did to her.
All of my personal feelings aside, what angers me is that no one seems to understand or appreciate what a wonderful person was murdered by the bureaucracies of Michigan and Ohio. Let me tell you another story about Gayl the doctor. About nine months after my brain tumor was removed I had a minor follow-up at the base hospital in Colorado Springs. Now, within the previous two weeks the command's chief master sergeant had died of a heart attack that he had less than 100 feet from that hospital's emergency room. He was 100 feet or less away, and they screwed it up so bad that he died. So, we walk in the door by the ER and here is another heart attack being "handled." Bunches of doctors, the hospital commander, you name it; all in the room trying to save the guy and they are losing him. Gayl takes it all in faster than you have read this sentence, spins to the right and walks into the ER and starts giving medical orders. She is so authoritative, so in charge, so competent, that everyone and I mean EVERYONE in the room starts doing what she says. Full colonels. The hospital commander. All the doctors. Nurses. Everyone. She brings order out of chaos and saves the guy. I was there. I saw it. This guy was flatlined and everyone was panicking trying to get him back. All these guys shouting out medical orders. Picture it, all these big guys, some over six feet tall. Scared they are going to lose the guy, because (I later found out) he had the heart attack in the waiting room and they were flubbing it again. And in walks Gayl. All 5 foot, two inches of her; but eyes fierce and full of fire; I mean blazing. And she just took charge and saved this guy's life. She was not on staff, she was just walking by and saw what was going on. Maybe if you have never been in the military you will not understand, but for a civilian female to walk into a room full of high ranking military men working a crisis that is falling apart and just take over is unheard of. And she did. It was like Moses parting the Red Sea. No yelling, no shouting. Just this calm, assured voice I know so well. You see, she is a great doctor and she cares; and she could size up the whole situation in a flash and tell they were treating him incorrectly. And the patient lived and went home. And I just watched from outside the room. And this was the same hospital commander who just 10 months previously had tried to force me out of the service instead of paying for the brain tumor surgery that I needed. Well, I guess it finally dawned on him just how good Gayl is, and after the guy was taken from the ER to intensive care, he talked to Gayl and asked her to work there. I hope, I pray, that you understand just how awesome she is as a doctor. I always told people that Bones McCoy on his best day was just about par with Gayl on her average day. And no one cared. No one seems to realize what a wonderful person we have lost.
I miss Gayl very much; its like my soul has been torn out and the Sun can never shine again. And I am so very tired and lonely here in the dark and cold of this world.
And no one, and I mean no one, in the system cared about Gayl's pain, her health, or anything about her. Neither did her family or friends. If the legal system, or any one of the doctors, or any of the government bureaucrats had bothered do do anything other than eat their lunch and screw off while trying to keep their useless jobs; if any of these people had ever, ever bothered to listen, let alone fix Gayl's pain then we could have beat the final disease. The only thing that the doctors and insurance companies ever cared about was money. The only thing that the bureaucrats cared about was keeping her in their system and notching up another score for themselves. I was literally the only one fighting alongside Gayl to help her. And I am not a doctor, I can't do medical things and no one would listen to me.
You see, for all these government people in Ohio and Michigan; for ALL of them, Gayl was expendable. They slaughtered her. She was just a tool to advance their careers. They did not care about the results to her of the many injustices that they inflicted upon her. Well, she is not expendable. She is everything for me. And I don't care what happens to them, but people will know what they did to her.
All of my personal feelings aside, what angers me is that no one seems to understand or appreciate what a wonderful person was murdered by the bureaucracies of Michigan and Ohio. Let me tell you another story about Gayl the doctor. About nine months after my brain tumor was removed I had a minor follow-up at the base hospital in Colorado Springs. Now, within the previous two weeks the command's chief master sergeant had died of a heart attack that he had less than 100 feet from that hospital's emergency room. He was 100 feet or less away, and they screwed it up so bad that he died. So, we walk in the door by the ER and here is another heart attack being "handled." Bunches of doctors, the hospital commander, you name it; all in the room trying to save the guy and they are losing him. Gayl takes it all in faster than you have read this sentence, spins to the right and walks into the ER and starts giving medical orders. She is so authoritative, so in charge, so competent, that everyone and I mean EVERYONE in the room starts doing what she says. Full colonels. The hospital commander. All the doctors. Nurses. Everyone. She brings order out of chaos and saves the guy. I was there. I saw it. This guy was flatlined and everyone was panicking trying to get him back. All these guys shouting out medical orders. Picture it, all these big guys, some over six feet tall. Scared they are going to lose the guy, because (I later found out) he had the heart attack in the waiting room and they were flubbing it again. And in walks Gayl. All 5 foot, two inches of her; but eyes fierce and full of fire; I mean blazing. And she just took charge and saved this guy's life. She was not on staff, she was just walking by and saw what was going on. Maybe if you have never been in the military you will not understand, but for a civilian female to walk into a room full of high ranking military men working a crisis that is falling apart and just take over is unheard of. And she did. It was like Moses parting the Red Sea. No yelling, no shouting. Just this calm, assured voice I know so well. You see, she is a great doctor and she cares; and she could size up the whole situation in a flash and tell they were treating him incorrectly. And the patient lived and went home. And I just watched from outside the room. And this was the same hospital commander who just 10 months previously had tried to force me out of the service instead of paying for the brain tumor surgery that I needed. Well, I guess it finally dawned on him just how good Gayl is, and after the guy was taken from the ER to intensive care, he talked to Gayl and asked her to work there. I hope, I pray, that you understand just how awesome she is as a doctor. I always told people that Bones McCoy on his best day was just about par with Gayl on her average day. And no one cared. No one seems to realize what a wonderful person we have lost.
I miss Gayl very much; its like my soul has been torn out and the Sun can never shine again. And I am so very tired and lonely here in the dark and cold of this world.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Gayl
I was there. I was there to hear the last words Gayl spoke. Me, and me alone. And what she said was meant only for me and to me. While I cherish those words beyond any price; she should not have been alone with me. She deserved to have family and friends with her, but they were all too busy. She deserved better,but as in so many other things everyone else took her for granted and there was only me. And while I cherish her beyond my own life, I could not figure out what to do. We fought the cancer as long as we could, beyond the point of horrible pain. Beyond the point of agony. To the point where all that was left was her courage and my pathetic attempts to help her. And I failed her, I did not let go but there was nothing left to hold. There is always something else that can be done, I just could not think of it and Gayl could not tell me, her pain was too great.
I miss her, more and more with each passing day. People say the pain gets less, it does not. I just hide it better most of the time, and then it erupts when I am alone.
My dreams and memories are haunted by the years of suffering she endured, suffering so needlessly inflicted by the States of Ohio and Michigan and by uncaring doctors. Well, I made Gayl a promise, it was the next to last thing I said to her. And I don't break promises, especially to a dying woman. I wonder if any of the people who destroyed Gayl know what they did. If not, they soon will. It should not have happened to her, and if any of those people in power had cared a whit about doing their duties responsibly Gayl would now be fine and by my side. This I know beyond any doubt.
I miss her, more and more with each passing day. People say the pain gets less, it does not. I just hide it better most of the time, and then it erupts when I am alone.
My dreams and memories are haunted by the years of suffering she endured, suffering so needlessly inflicted by the States of Ohio and Michigan and by uncaring doctors. Well, I made Gayl a promise, it was the next to last thing I said to her. And I don't break promises, especially to a dying woman. I wonder if any of the people who destroyed Gayl know what they did. If not, they soon will. It should not have happened to her, and if any of those people in power had cared a whit about doing their duties responsibly Gayl would now be fine and by my side. This I know beyond any doubt.
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