Gayl - in Memorium (6 months)

Gayl already knows how highly I think of her, but you need to know some of what I do about her. Gayl is a wonderful Christian lady. I have been blessed greater than other man by having Gayl in my life. The best person I have ever known is now with the Lord. I rejoice that she is with Him, that her pain and trials are at an end, and that she is with her beloved dogs; but a life without her is a grim. My light is gone. I, and the world, are the poorer for this loss and heaven has been enriched.

We met 26 October 1974, and she married me 30 August 1975. Gayl was beautiful, on the outside and in her heart. Gayl graduated from Michigan State University College of Osteopathic Medicine as the vice-president of her class in 1981. She succumbed to her fifth bout with cancer on 29 September, 2006. Gayl was a wonderful woman and a blessing. She saved many lives over the course of her twenty-five year medical practice, including mine on two different occasions. A better wife, person, or doctor is not to be found. She was the center of my life, she honored me by sharing her life with me, and her passing leaves a void that is impossible to fill.

Gayl was always my pride, my joy, and my boast. I loved her and always will. I treasure every minute we spent together or even talking on the phone. I treasure the fact that her last minute on Earth was spent holding my hand in such a way that she told me that she loved me. She taught me what it means to be loved. She taught me what it means to be a Christian.

I was priviledged and honored to be Gayl’s husband and friend. She is my best buddy, I was fortunate enough to be hers. She always let me know that I was loved; deeply, truly, and honestly by her with all her heart. Her actions toward me showed that. No man could have a greater gift or a better wife and friend, and I was fortunate enough to receive this gift from her for over 31 years. Her love for me was a gift I did not earn or deserve, Gayl gave it freely from her heart. When I was not a good husband to her, from out of some inexhaustible reserve of love, she would find it in her heart to forgive and to retain her love for me. This, in itself, is amazing and I am humbled and stand in awe of her loving heart and forgiveness. God placed a wonderful person in my life, her love and patience with me passed all understanding. Any good qualities you see in me are due to her influence and guidance; as for the bad, her love, kindness, and sweetness blunted their edge and gradually removed their roots. Her love made me a better man.

Let me tell you of the Gayl I knew, or as she was known when we met, Tink. We met by accident, by the grace of God, at the North Bridge in the Air Force Academy cadet area by the library. She called me sir there, for the first and last time, and asked me to escort her to her car via the cadet area because she could not get from the library to her car without an escort. I walked her to her car and, after 15 seconds or so, as we walked down the “Bring Me Men” ramp, asked her for a date. She said yes, because, as I later found out, she had nothing better to do. We saw the movie Dr Zhivago, she thought I was a dork. I asked her out again, and after sufficient pestering I earned a second date, more because the restaurant we were to go to was nice than the impression I had made on our first date. I made a better impression that second time, and our life together began. I had found the one true love of my life, and miracle of miracles, she fell in love with me. My love for her grew every day, and each day with her was a blessing.

After a few months, I proposed. She said no, as I later found out, to see how I would react. She has a great sense of humor, always did. For example, a few days later, while we were talking on the phone, me in a phone booth, all the freshmen in my squadron attacked, tore off the doors and most of my clothes and started to shave me from head to foot. I barely escaped, only because I had previously told one of my best friends that she had said no to me. She had set the whole thing up, including getting me into the phone booth, because she had somehow learned that the tradition was to shave seniors who got engaged. How she laughed at that. A few weeks later, on Valentine’s Day; I picked her up from her work at Navigators. After a few moments in the car, she asked me if I had any questions for her. Being especially bright, I had no idea what she was talking about. After a bit of prompting by her, it finally dawned what she wanted me to ask. So, I proposed again there in the car while we were driving out of the Navigator’s office complex. Never do that. When she said yes, I nearly drove into the ditch because I was so excited and happy.

As I grew to know her over the years, I learned of her many talents and watched her develop new skills. She excelled at all she did. She plays the piano like a concert pianist. She sings like an angel. She made beautiful ceramics and stained glass. She excelled at woodworking, sewing, knitting, crocheting, cooking, art and car maintenance. Her skills developed over the years until they were quite amazing, to the point where I could not even understand how she did what she did and was simply amazed by the beauty of her creations. Her custom pizza, which we called a world famous, is the best I have ever had. I could tell a million more stories about her, her smile and laugh, her humor, skiing, walking in the mountains, and her wonderful qualities as a woman, friend, and wife. Qualities far surpassing my own meager abilities as a husband.

Gayl was unique. Gayl was active in a wide variety of Christian activities, and was highly skilled in woodworking, ceramics, photography, music, automotive reconditioning, and many other creative, artistic spheres of activity. And Gayl loves movies. Her memory for movie details is incredible, she loved all kinds of movies: romances, romantic, war, drama, action, sci-fi. We watched her favorites, Star Wars, True Lies, Harry Potter, Sharky’s Machine, Somewhere in Time, Ben Hur, The 10 Commandments, It Happened One Night, Where Eagles Dare, Die Hard, The Shadow, Indiana Jones, Titanic, El Cid, A Christmas Carol, It’s a Wonderful Life, Dr Zhivago, Scrooged, Shining Through, The Great Escape, Speed, Spartacus, Shawshank Redemption, Judge Roy Bean, and more again and again. And TV too, programs like Star Trek, 24, St Elsewhere, Dynasty, Wild, Wild West; all the classics. We played a game of remembering trivia about movies and TV, and she was right more often than not. While Gayl was a gifted artisan in many domains, any of which would have been lucrative and given her a comfortable life; her calling, her passion, and deepest commitment, was the practice of medicine. Her technical medical skills were unsurpassed. She was board certified in emergency medicine and practiced in many states within the US. She authored several papers related to the use of computerization and virtual reality technologies in emergency room settings. But it was not her intelligence and medical knowledge that distinguished her from her peers; it was her continual, heartfelt commitment to patient care and to the complete patient. Gayl wanted to be a doctor, and her life and practice showed that Gayl was a true doctor.

A few years after we married, she entered medical school and became class vice-president. I was so proud. She graduated and started her practice. She is a wonderful doctor, her capacity as a physician is beyond belief. A few stories will illustrate what I mean. She saved my life twice, once when I had a brain tumor and once when I had a bleeding ulcer. She stopped at numberless roadside accidents and saved several lives. I would sit in the doctor’s lounge when she was at work, and she would sneak away to talk with me a bit between cases and tell me about the interesting ones. She saved many souls in their last moments in this world. I saw her save many lives, sometimes with little more than her two hands and her wits. She could diagnose disease over a phone better than most physicians could with a complete medical workup and with the patient in front of them. She loved medicine, every part of it. She dispensed her vast medical knowledge and talent freely to any and all in need; and thousands are alive because of her, her skill, and her caring for people as a doctor. One other story illustrates her incredible medical ability. When Gayl was in Kettering hospital this last time, two days before discharge after her surgery (when we still had great hopes) her main doctor told me, completely unexpectedly, that she was the best doctor he had ever worked with and how impressed he was by her knowledge and intelligence and skill as a physician. She earned this complement from a world-class specialist, this complement was earned by a woman with terrible cancer and tremendous amounts of pain medication in her body. Indeed, he even asked where she practiced so that he could consult her and refer patients after her recovery.

Gayl’s practice showed that she knew that the word “doctor” is defined by medical skills and knowledge coupled with beliefs, actions, and compassion toward patients. She knew that “doctor” is neither a title that is granted nor a status obtained, but rather is a standing granted by patients to those physicians whose ethic and way of life place them in the first rank of healers. Gayl was in that first rank of healers, her medical practice evidenced both the compassion and the skill possessed by a true doctor. Dr Gayl, as she was known by her patients, cared greatly for each patient. Gayl took each patient’s worries, fears, and uncertainties into her own heart and provided each patient with comfort, support, and encouragement, even though the support inflicted great personal emotional cost. She did this because she, like all doctors, willingly sacrifices greatly for others. Gayl helped people in all stages of health at all times; she did this because she did not merely settle for victory over disease, she strove for the complete health of the patient. Gayl gave of her medical knowledge and skill freely at all times. She did this out of concern and care for her patients and because, like all true doctors, she knew that its not just the battle against disease and Death that distinguishes or defines the doctor and that the doctor is not defined by one spectacular event or medical victory. Instead, a doctor is defined by a life of compassion, service, and sacrifice.

Gayl was unsurpassed in her “bedside manner.” Gayl is a unique doctor. Highly competent, marvelously so; and yet modest about her skills. She did not ask people to address her as Dr Stytz, Dr Godsell-Stytz, or even Doctor; all she asked was that they call her Dr Gayl. This just shows her compassion and love for her patients, she did all that she could to build a bridge to them so that they could relate to her as a human, talk to her freely and openly and share their hearts with her. Its why her patients cared for her as well as respected her. Parents trusted her with their children, patients trusted her with their lives. And if someone under her care did not survive, she came home and cried for them. She truly loved her fellow man, no matter their station in life or their wealth. Everyone received the best care that she could possibly give, all the time. And because of her care and devotion, many people are alive today who would other wise be dead. It is just natural for her to reach out and help others, this coupled with her tender heart and cheery manner were the foundations of a personality that allowed her to reach out to each patient and relate to them as humans. People bonded deeply and readily with Gayl, and instinctively trusted her with their lives; both because of her evident skill and because of the way she interacted with each patient and of the tenderness, concern, and love she showed to each of them. Like any true doctor, Gayl was modest about her abilities, which were formidable. Gayl overcame much in order to serve, because for a doctor, the quality of patient care must never diminish in spite of the burdens of personal pain, heartache, and anguish that the doctor may carry; burdens caused because a doctor’s emotions are often bruised, a doctor’s confidence and self-esteem can be undermined because of loses in the battle against Death, and because a doctor will face periods of anger or despair in the battle. Gayl suffered all these wounds, and more, due to a life of service to her patients. Gayl was always upbeat but realistic and compassionate with patients, even in the darkest moments of their lives. She did this because she knew that a doctor may be discouraged by the prognosis for a patient, but can never yield in the fight for their patient’s life and health and never lose hope or, more importantly, allow the patient to lose hope. Dr. Gayl, provided the care and caring, compassion and heart, love and concern that are the hallmarks of the ideal doctor. The care, compassion, heart, and love that she showed to each patient arose naturally from her personality, it was not forced or just “put on” for a show for the patients. Her “bedside manner” was natural, and the patient knew it, because she deeply and truly cared for each one.

Compassion without skill is useless. Gayl continually worked on developing her medical skills. While in medical school at Michigan State, during break she would come home with all her books and have me quiz her on entire pages of text and class notes, with her own standard being that she could recite the entire page verbatim. After graduation, her quest to improve her skills intensified. She not only studied medical information more intensely, she also took every step she could think of to improve her skills. She would often scrub for surgeries of any type when she had time available, just to watch and learn. Gayl went to innumerable autopsies; she spent more than one Christmas and New Years’ Day morning watching autopsies being performed while I waited in the car. She decided to become an expert in radiology, even though she practiced emergency medicine, and as a result she studied countless x-rays, examined scans of all types, and talked to any radiologist who would teach her about any of the intricacies of reading an x-ray or other scan. Gayl worked every day to hone her skills, her quest to learn and improve her skills coupled with her awesome memory gave Gayl the medical skills needed to be a truly great doctor. When Gayl was in the Emergency Room working one or more medical crises, with a person’s life in the balance, it was a sight to behold. In the midst of the wild flurry of activity taking place in the effort to preserve the patient’s life she would lead the response to Death’s challenge, the most active of all but at the same time the most calm, focused, aware and intent. She assessed each piece of information calmly and coolly as she applied her prodigious intellect and skills to the multiple critical medical tasks at hand while leading the emergency room team in its response. She was in her element, and more. As Death dispatched successive waves in the attack upon the patient, Dr. Gayl would be at the forefront to meet them and defeat them, with a cool demeanor and outward confidence that inspired all that worked with her. The fire in her blue eyes at these times was the only sign of her determination to fight and win for the patient, she remained calm, cool, composed, and assured no matter how dire the circumstance or complex the medical emergency. Her expertise enabled her to anticipate, recognize, and defeat the tricks employed by Death to steal away a patient’s life. She fought and won many battles against Death, both in the Emergency Room with its full panoply of medical equipment at hand alongside skilled staff, and alone at the roadside, with nothing but her intellect, skill, and ability to lead a few untrained people in the effort to preserve a life. And when she lost a battle, the patient knew that the best had been done and that their dignity and humanity had been preserved in the face of a brutal enemy. She insured that no one ever met Death alone, even if she was the only one there to talk to the patient and hold their hand as they met eternity.

Gayl’s amazing behavior as a doctor makes it difficult to describe her in the emergency room, so let me try by analogy. Though I am a student of history, I know of only one event that can be called upon to illustrate Gayl’s behavior in an emergency medical situation. This event illuminates the skill, calm, grace under pressure, forcefulness, expertise, and unbending will that she brought to bear in every fight against Death. The event of which I speak is to be found in ancient histories that tell of Leonidas and the 300 Spartans at the Battle of Thermopylae. The histories tell us that Xerxes, commanding 2 million warriors, watched the 300 attack and defeat twenty times their number. As the 300 emerged from confusion of this wild melee, more of Xerxes men moved in to attack the Spartans, supported by thousands of archers whose volleys of arrows, we are told, blotted out the sun. The scene was one of total chaos. Yet, in response to Xerxes’ new attack, the Spartans, under Leonidas’ leadership, reformed their ranks in the face of the murderous volleys of arrows and advanced against the next attacking wave of Xerxes’ army. Upon seeing this display of leadership, skill, training, and determination by Leonidas and his Spartans, it is told that Xerxes leapt to his feet out of panic and fear for the safety of his army in the face of the Spartan onslaught. Gayl, in her defense of the patient against Death, at least equaled Leonidas in his battle against Xerxes. As each victory was won in the fight for the patient, Dr. Gayl marshaled her forces and advanced to the next challenge, with a coolness, determination, and discipline that was awesome to behold. I cannot help but think that more than once, Death himself doubted the ability of his black legions to withstand the charge she led against them, even though at times the outcome was, like for the 300, a foregone conclusion. The times I saw her at work, I scarcely recognized this medical warrior as the woman I married; my pride and admiration knew no bounds.

And her dogs. We can’t forget them. How she cherished them, loved them, and cared for them and how much happiness they gave to her. Each one was special to her, and they all jumped for joy whenever she came home. Thor, Winston, Lydia, Leah, Bessie, Levi, Jessica, Micah, Munchkin, Arthur, Morgan, Gavin, Duncan, Ellysse, and the rest all knew that they were loved by her, and she doted on them. They were her pleasure and joy, even in the worst of times.

But it is not merely her many talents, abilities and qualities, nor is it her excellence as a physician that I want to emphasize. Instead, it is her loving kindness and her shining Christian example. What a believer, what great faith she displayed. You need to know that there was never a day in the last 19 years when she was pain free; some days were worse than others but no day was without excruciating pain, pain we could get no doctor to treat because no one believed her. Pain that was, at times, horrible beyond belief. The doctor for her final surgery said that he did not know how she managed to deal with the pain that she must have endured due to the mistakes made in her two previous surgeries. She was misdiagnosed by doctors tens times. She endured several bouts with cancer over the last 13 years, fights she won each time because of her intelligence, tenacity, courage, and; faith. Lawyers misled her and failed in their duties to her. She was treated unjustly by the legal and administrative systems of two states. Her repayment for saving a young man’s life was to be sued by him even though he suffered no damage or harm from her. The legal and medical bills she faced were astronomical. Finally, and worst of all, to my everlasting shame and regret, I broke her heart, terribly. I do not tell you these things to get sympathy for her, that is not Gayl. I tell you these things so that you can join me in praise of her, so you can see how wonderful she was in spite of circumstances that would have broken all but the strongest Christian. Most would have felt sorry for themselves, felt betrayed by the world or God, or turned their back on other people since their own problems were so terrible, overwhelming, and constant. Gayl did not. Gayl rose above her circumstances and responded positively. She rarely complained, and few knew of most of her challenges and the depth of her pain. She took me back into her life. In spite of circumstances, Gayl reached out as a Christian to any one and every one in need. She would not allow pain to defeat her, nor the circumstances of the world. She fought her fights, but was always a Christian lady.

Gayl gave, even when she had little to give and her health was frail. She took time to help any one in need, she gave freely, she helped whomever she could, and this she did without restriction, reservation, or expectation of comparable kindness to her, let alone financial reward. She acted purely out of love for other people and out of her sensitivity and sympathy for others. This in spite of everything that happened to her. Her whole life, but especially these last 19 years, is a shining Christian witness, an example that both humbles me and leads me to praise the Lord and her. I am honored to have been able to help her fight her battles and to stand by her side as she fought; but make no mistake, she carried the load and had the fortitude, faith, and intellect needed to fight the injustices, medical and legal, that she faced. She leaned upon the Lord for strength. She was the warrior, the one with the great heart and tenacity who would not yield to adversity. She may have lost some battles, but she never gave up or gave in. She never betrayed her Christian principles.

Yet Death, seeing in her a foe of matchless quality, attacked her five times in the form of cancer. Four times, she and her physicians beat down the attacks. The fifth time, the attack was overwhelming; she had no chance, no tool to employ, no medicine to try. Yet, even when the outcome was certain, Gayl retained her determination, hope, and faith and she thought and fought for each day right up to the very end. Gayl fought, not out of fear of Death, for her reward is certain, but due to her love of life. In the end, Death won his final battle with Gayl in a craven and cowardly manner; at the end Gayl was unbowed and triumphant. Her faith, bravery, and courage in the face of incredible pain and, later, in the face of the nearly hopeless odds against her in her final fight would put any warrior to shame. But, it is her loving kindness and Christian charity that comes most to mind. To show you the kind of Christian lady she is, even on her last day, she offered help and advice to a nurse attending her. I saw her witness several times her last week. What a wonderful lady she is. Our last few words are for ourselves alone. It was, and always will be, my highest honor to have held her hand at the end and for her last words in this world to be only for and to me. I thank God that I was chosen by her to be blessed with all that she is. I thank God that I was there to hold her hand until the Lord took her hand into His.

It may seem to be a romantic notion, but true doctors never really die and they never die poor. Few, if any, true doctors acquire the wealth and the material things by which most people measure their lives. No accountant can determine the treasure accumulated by a true doctor. A true doctor measures the value of their life by a different scale, and it is by that measure that Dr Gayl’s life must be assessed. A true doctor’s riches and treasure are not material, but are found in the lives of the patients they served. While, for some patients, their memories of the doctor may fade, the spirit of the doctor endures; perpetuated by the impact of the doctor’s actions and caring attitude on the lives of those who were served, and the impact of these lives upon the rest of world. By this measure, Dr. Gayl was wealthy beyond reckoning and amassed a treasure that even time cannot diminish or devalue. Her impact will be great. I have met and worked with astronauts, men who walked on the Moon, Congressional Medal of Honor recipients, Generals, Admirals, Senators, Congressmen, religious leaders, people who some consider great, and people who consider themselves great. Dr. Gayl stands above them all and is the best and bravest person that I know or ever will meet. As a physician, a doctor, and a person Dr. Gayl is unmatched.

I could go on with stories about her and what a unique, wonderful person she is. But, let me conclude. She ran her race, and ran it well. If ever there is anyone who will be greeted by our Lord and told “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” it is Gayl. As for myself, her presence on this Earth gave me the strength and qualities needed to be a gentleman and kept at bay the cold of the world. The void she leaves in my heart and life and in the world, can never be filled. I pray that the rest of my life can serve to honor her and preserve her memory. I miss her. I love her.

Thought

The only difference between then and now;

I love and respect Gayl so much more.

Gayl - the doctor

What type of a doctor is Gayl? Compassionate. Caring. Intelligent. Loving. Serving. One who placed others before herserlf. A doctor who willingly took into her heart the hopes, fears, and terror of people facing horrible situations and helped them through it, no matter the cost to her. She never left a patient's side while there was something she could do for them or while they needed comforting and compassion as they faced illness and death. She would stay there, with the friendless, and listen to them as they met eternity. Every person was important to her. She was the opposite of narcissistic, she placed others before self. Always. She was modest about her skill, self-efacing about her actions, and humble in her accomplishments.

Why is this important? Because so few doctors are this way. Very few are humble. Fewer yet are willing to sit with their patient as they meet eternity. Talk to them and you will find out why; the fact is that the patient's death damages their own self-image as god-like dispensers of healing, their narcissistic views of themselves as perfect or nearly-so. To see the failure, no matter the need of the patient or the family, is more than the average doctor can bear. Their egos are too dependent upon their inflated view of their importance and infallability. So, doctors do not help patients, they treat them and leave them to die alone. They break the trust we place in them, their behavior is narcissistic and self-interested whereas a good doctor is neither of these things. Read the references below, they will give you insight into the psyche of a doctor; most are inflated, self-important, egotistic, narcissistic souls who deny their own failures and shortcomings and blame others, including (ESPECIALLY including) their patients for the patients' problems and inability to get better. How unlike Gayl they are.

Gayl's willingness to stay and help, her compassion, her love for every person she treated, sets her apart from her peers. Some may be as bright and skillful. Some may be as knowledgeable. But none are more compassionate. This is why Gayl, as a doctor, stands out from other doctors in such stark relief. Where they avoid facing their medical failures, their humanity, their inability to cure all, by running and hiding from the patient in need; Gayl stayed with the patient precisely because they were in need. In need of more than medicine but rather in need of a human touch and compassion and empathy as they fought their fight. How can I get others to see what I saw? She would stay with anyone, anytime. I saw her, more than once, stay with a lonely dying person as they passed away just so that they would not be alone. And then go home heartbroken and shattered by the emotional cost she bore by being at the bedside. But, she is too good of a doctor to turn from someone in need, so she stayed. Not because the person in the bed was famous or rich. Usually they were poor, indigent, worn down by a cruel world and without hope. She gave them hope. She saved souls in those last moments. She gave compassion and love to people she did not know. And then came home and cried for them. How many doctors do that, today? How many doctors fight for their patient's lives and dignity, today. Gayl did. She showed us all what a Christian doctor is like. I honor her for it and love her all the more.

The world is a poorer place and I am a poorer man because she is not with us.


REFERENCES
Jeffrey Adams and Eric Williams, eds., Mimetic Desire: Essays on Narcissism in German Literature From Romanticism to Post-Modernism (Columbia, S.C.: Camden House, 1995), p. 18.

M. Scott Peck, People of the Lie: The Hope For Healing Human Evil (New York, Touchstone, 1998).

See Chapers 2 and 3 of Lyall Watson, Dark Nature: A Natural History of Evil (New York: HarperCollins, 1995).

Sigmund Freud, “On Narcissism, An Introduction,” in James Strachey, ed., The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, vol. XIV (London: Hogarth Press, 1962), p. 74.

Alexander Lowen, M.D., Narcissism: Denial Of the True Self (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1997), p. 6.

See chapter 14 in Theodore Millon, with Roger D. Davis, Disorders of Personality: DSM-IV and Beyond, 2nd edition (John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 1996), pp, 505-539.

W. John Livesley, ed., The DSM-IV Personality Disorders (New York: Guilford Press, 1995).

Erich Fromm, The Heart of Man: Its Genius For Good and Evil (New York: Harper and Row, 1964), pp. 65-68, 77.

Peck, People of the Lie, pp. 66, 226.

Susan Bridle, “The Seeds of the Self: An Interview With Otto Kernberg,” What is Enlightenment?, no. 17 (Spring-Summer, 2000), http://www.wie.org/j17/kern.asp

Benedict Carey, “For the Worst of Us, the Diagnosis May Be ‘Evil’,” New York Times, February 8, 2005.

Of the two, Aristotle placed greater importance on malice, insisting that one can be forgiven for a wrong action because we all make mistakes, but never for a wrong desire.

See David Hume, An Enquiry Concerning the Principles of Morals (La Salle, Illinois: Open Court, 1966).

Lowen, Narcissism, p. 13.

Barbara Ann Shapiro, Literature and the Relational Self (New York & London: New York University Press, 1994), p. 11.

Adams and Williams, “Introduction,” pp. 5, 16.

Bridle, “The Seeds of the Self: An Interview With Otto Kernberg.”

Adams and Williams, “Introduction,” pp. 6-7.

Lowen, Narcissism, pp. 6-7.

Freud, “On Narcissism, An Introduction,” pp. 73-75, 93, 87-88.

Lowen, Narcissism, p. 12.

See George Victor, Hitler: The Pathology of Evil (Washington: Brassey’s, 2000).

“Beneath Narcissism Lie Fear and Self-Loathing,” San Francisco Chronicle, October 20, 2002, p. E9.

John Clute and John Grant, The Encyclopedia of Fantasy (New York: St. Martin’s, 1999), p. 249.

Freud, “On Narcissism,” p. 89.

Lowen, Narcissism, pp. xi, 13-14.

Clute and Grant, Encyclopedia of Fantasy, p. 249

Bridle, “The Seeds of the Self: An Interview with Otto Kernberg.”

Freud, “On Narcissism,” pp. 99, 98, 85.

Bridle, “The Seeds of the Self: An Interview with Otto Kernberg.”

Adam Gopnik, “Death of a Fish,” The New Yorker, July 4, 2005, p. 46.

Fromm, Heart of Man, p. 36.

See Edward O. Wilson, Sociobiology (1975), and Richard Dawkins, The Selfish Gene.

Malachi Martin, Hostage to the Devil (HarperSanFrancisco, 1992), p. 10.

“Confessions of BTK,” Dateline NBC, August 12, 2005.

Roxana Hegeman, “BTK Defendant Pleads Guilty,” San Francisco Chronicle, June 28, 2005, p. A5.

Carl Jung, “Introduction to the Problems of Alchemy,” in Jung On Evil, selected and introduced by Murray Stein (Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University, 1995), p. 34.

Marie-Louise von Franz, Shadow and Evil in Fairy Tales (Boston & London: Shambhala, 1995), pp. 4-5.

“Projection” is a defense mechanism “by which characteristics or desires that are unacceptable to a person’s ego are externalized or projected onto someone else.” Mike Cardwell, Shaum’s A-Z Psychology (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2003), pp. 192, 213.


Lowen, Narcissism, p. 15.

Hicks, 50 Signs of Mental Illness, p. 128.

The Letters of J. R. R. Tolkien, edited by Humphrey Carpenter with the assistance of Christopher Tolkien (Boston, New York: Houghton Mifflin Co., 2000), pp. 243-244.

Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, “The End of Time,” in Tiemo Rainer Peters and Claus Urban (eds.), The End of Time?: The Provocation of Talking About God (New York: Paulist Press, 2004), p. 23.

The battle

When I think back on all the battles Gayl had to fight, its a wonder that she fought as long and hard as she did. Five rounds of cancer. One frivolous lawsuit. One false accusation of drug abuse. Her parents every day. People taking her dogs, not paying for them, not paying fees. So many battles, so much money on attorneys and doctors, so much time. And the continuous, horrific pain that no doctor would believe existed, until we had the choked off bowel out of her to show to them just a few days prior to our last day together here on Earth. It had to take a toll on her. I know the pain took an enormous toll. I know all the battles did take a toll on all the people who claimed to be her friends and her family. One by one, as the number of battles increased in time and intensity and the years passed, people drifted away. They had their own lives to live, sure. But, no one was faced with all Gayl had to face. No one. Imagine having so much pain while going to the bathroom that you press the walls so hard that they bend, crack, and form a hole. And then have to write a response to an attorney concerning a legal action or decide about a cancer treatment. She never had a day off, never had a break in the pain, never a moment when everything did not press in on her. And yet, she did not give in or give up. But everyone else did. She could not escape the trials, but her family and friends for the most part ran from them. Some stayed true and would talk with her, which helped a lot. But, in the end, all she had was me to help her in her final fight. And though I did all I could, it was not enough. I failed her. I know I failed her because she is not with me now. She needed more help than I could provide, she needed a team to help her, not just me and a few doctors and nurses. She needed people who cared with all their heart what happened and would do anything to help her. And there was only me, how pathetic. I would have died so that she could live, but that was not what she needed. She needed people to think, and encourage, and help her fight. Her family and most "friends" ran away from this need. And only I remained. Why wouldn't they help her? I did not try to keep anyone away, and asked and asked for people to come help. Love is staying beside someone no matter what, never letting go, giving it your all when their is no more to give, being loyal beyond any limit, always putting the other person first. She gave so much love to so many people, why was I the only one there at the end when she needed help? Didn't they care? Didn't they realize that we could win this battle if we had a team to help her fight? Where was everyone? Didn't anyone else care enough to be there? Apparently not. Well, I will not forget. Gayl is my priority, my pride, my joy, and my boast. Cancer stole her from me and from this world. And no one else did anything about it. So, from this day on, cancer is my enemy. I will see it destroyed. That is my purpose. The people I would have helped, had they helped Gayl, need not ask me for anything. They gave her nothing when she needed it, and I have a war to fight on her behalf. I do not have the time or energy to waste on people who did not care enough to help her when she needed it. So, anything they would have received from me will go into the battle I must now wage. No one should have to die like that, no one. Gayl deserved better, and all she had was me. That is not enough, I owe her too much and love her too much to let it end with a victory for cancer. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day cancer will die and I will swear to do everything in my power to bring it about.

Courage

I have met many people in my life,but no one exemplified true courage better than Gayl. Courage isn’t something a fearful man can obtain; conversely, fear cannot spoil true courage. Each exists deep inside the individual, engrained in the soul. Courage is not about deciding that others are worth more than us; it is never considering the option of not putting those people first, despite what may befall us. However, fear is never considering the option of putting anything or anyone above ourselves. Gayl always placed others before herself, even when she was in horrific pain and suffering. She faced her trials head-on, without quavering; but at the same time always; and I mean always, placed the needs of others before her own. Her patients and friends were high in her pantheon, she was not. She always helped others, she was always humble about her accomplishments and abilities. And I loved her all the more for it, and honor her far above all other people for it.