Missing Gayl and other thoughts

I still wrestle with blaming myself. Even if I could not save Gayl after she was hospitalized, I should have noticed over the last year that she was weaker and not herself. It happened slowly and I did not see the whole picture, except in retrospect, but she started going downhill last Thanksgiving. I should have noticed and forced her to a doctor. If I had, I would still have her. And that thought haunts me. I miss her so much, and when I think that I could have done something I feel guilt and shame. And terrible loss. I always loved her, every day. I loved to talk with her. And, now due to my lack of attention, I have lost the most precious thing in my life. At least, that is how I feel. I know she is with Jesus and that she is happy, healthy, and joyful. She lived a wonderful life and helped me in so many ways. And she always loved and trusted in Jesus, she had a powerful faith in Him. I hope that He honors her greatly and that many people in Heaven praise her with great praise. My appreciation is not new, its just that now I feel I can share it with you. I always told her how much I loved and respected her. One other thing that eats at my heart is that she told me on the 23rd that the only time that she felt safe in the hospital was when I was there; and I was too old and tired to stay with her all the time and I let her down the last day. She deserved so much more in life and from me; I wish I had worked harder and smarter so that she would had done more and we could have been together more. And, if we had more money, she would still be alive. I can't but help thinking so.

Its almost 19 years, to the day, since she was admitted for her appendix problem. And her mom fought me all the way and accused me of affairs with the nurses. How Gayl suffered needlessly because of her.

I think, too, that the many doctors that she had over the years let her down a lot. The doctor who did her appendix let her sit in bed for 7 days until he operated. He was not very available when she was hospitalized, cause it was at Christmas time. The next doctor, in 91, fixed some problems, but left her intestines twisted. And her pain over all these years was because of that twist. If not for that pain, we might have found this last cancer sooner. Or, I should have forced her to have the hysterectomy instead of using chemo. I drive myself crazy thinking of all the things I could have done for her and did not. Maybe I could not have forced her, but maybe I could have talked her into it if I had been a lot more persistent.

I just miss her and want her back. I just wish I was with her. My future seems so empty without her, and I don't see how I can fill in the coming days. I pray a lot, but I miss her company and talking with her. And I am angry with the doctors for not taking better care of her.

I just hope she is happy to see me again.