5 years

This Thursday, the 29th of September, is five years.  Five years.  And how many still mourn?  If all the world were in sackcloth and ashes it would not be enough.  Not enough by half.  I miss her, my heart still weeps and remains shattered.  I never thought it would be so long, that the torment of life without Gayl could last more than a short time.  But no.  I wish the world knew her as I do, that I could tell people of her so that they would know how much has been lost.  If they could but know, their tears would overflow the oceans.  I miss Gayl.  I love Gayl.

Thinking of Gayl

I miss Gayl.  A lot.  Everyday, several times a day her absence hit me and leaves me morose.  And angry.  It is all so unnecessary, so dammed evil.  Like I said, I miss her.  She is the person who loved me the most, always.  She was always there for me, always helpful, always a friend.  ALWAYS.

Her parents also make me angry.  Their behavior toward her was just awful.  From first to last, they never supported her.  Never said a word of encouragement.  EVER.  Not when she had a ruptured appendix.  Not when cancer hit.  Not when she came out of surgery.  Not when she got into medical school.  No compliment when she graduated.  NOT A SINGLE, SOLITARY COMPLIMENT TO HER.  But lots of insults, lots of hurt.  How many parents tell their kid that they "deserved" to get their cancer?  Well, those assholes did; and did it often.  It was not a mistake or something said once in the heat of the moment, it was ongoing.  And on her last weekend, she went to the mall with her fuck-weed father.  And he told her that he was "embarrassed" to be seen in public with her because of the way that the cancer made her appear.  Embarrassed.  Why say that?  She needed help and encouragement.  And it broke her heart.  It made her cry.  All of this stuff goes through my mind.  There are too many bad memories.  Too many memories of people hurting her.  Too many memories of her bravery while people ignored her plight.  Too many memories of people just taking our money and doing not one part of the job we paid them to perform.

What people don't get is just how brave and calm she was.  Not at all.  When things can awful, panic and uncertainty, she was calm, in control, and focused.  And in the midst of wild panic and confusion, she would deliver magnificent medical care.  She was never sued.  And it did not matter if the situation was in the ER or at the side of the road or on a phone; she brought calm to the situation and handled it superbly.  Who else can say that?

And her last day, when she knew she was losing the fight.  When she had to know because she is such a great doctor; she spent the day telling me things to help me deal with the fact that I would be without her.  She was dying and SHE WAS WORRIED ABOUT ME.  Who else does that?  Who?  People wonder why I am still heartbroken; when will the Earth ever have a person like her. Never.  And in spite of it all, her parents never said anything to compliment her.  And even later, her father focused the attention on himself and not on her.

There are so many stories that I have.  So many days of pain that she experienced.  She spent over a month with a nasogastric tube up her nose and into her stomach, one time for 15 days straight.  Take a small straw and ram it up your nose and down into your throat.  And then let it sit.  I bet you can't stand it for 15 minutes.  She had that for over 2 weeks.  And that was not the worst pain that she had.  She had 16 years of awful pain.  And no one believed her, no one cared.  Not her parents, not her sister, NO ONE.  Only me, cause I saw it every day.  And no one believed us.  NO ONE.  And if one, JUST ONE, doctor had believed her the cancer would not have murdered her.  Why???  Because the pain she had from the appendix aftereffects, the pain she had for 16 years, masked the cancer pain.  COMPLETELY masked the pain.  So much so that after the final surgery, on 31 August 2006, when they finally removed half of her bowel and did all the other things we had been asking them to do for years, she held my hand and cried because she said that the pain was gone.  She still had the cancer pain, she had been on medicine for pain for the cancer, but that medicine did not mask her abdominal pain.  Try to imagine that.  Try to imagine the amount of pain that she had everyday; so much pain that the pain from cancer throughout her body 4 weeks before the cancer murdered her was nothing in comparison.  And then people say I should get beyond it, not let it stay with me?  How?  I love her, would have done anything for her.  Anything.  And everything in this country that was supposed to protect her, was supposed to help me save her; turned against her and worked with the cancer to murder her.  Everything, the government, the doctors, her family,her friends, everyone.  I even tried to make them put her plasma in me so that I could create antibodies in my blood that could be put back into her so that my antibodies would attack the cancer.  It would have worked, they do the same thing now.  And they would not do it, it was not FDA approved, it was experimenting.  She was dying from cancer, who cares about the risk to me?  And they were not motivated by the risk I faced; they were worried about some bureaucratic rules.  NOT ABOUT HER.  She did everything asked of her, she excelled at school because she worked hard, she got into medical school because she worked hard.  AND SHE IS THE BEST DAMM DOCTOR IN THE WORLD BECAUSE SHE WORKED HARD.  She became better at reading x-rays, CTs, any radiology that a radiologist.  Better at diagnosing heart problems than a cardiologist.  Better at suturing than a cosmetic surgeon.  Better at diagnosis than any fake doctor on TV.  Better at figuring out medical problems than anyone you ever saw because she knew what she was doing.  She is smarter than anyone you ever met.  Gayl is the best doctor ever because she cared about her patients and wanted to be good.  And she is brilliant.  And then for no reason at all, NONE, the bureaucrats kept the medical treatment that she needed, the surgeries, from her.  And I am supposed to forget?  NO WAY.  EVER.

I love Gayl.  And what she went through breaks my heart everyday.  I cherish Gayl and am so glad she chose me.  And I know I am a failure because I did not save her.

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are grey

You'll never know dear

How much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

The other night dear

As I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you

In my arms

When I awoke dear

I was mistaken

and I hung my head and cried

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are grey

You'll never know dear

How much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ9oIIzMrlA&feature=related 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcnNb7Pnmok&feature=related

They went to heaven within a year of each other; they will never know how fortunate they are.

Like I said, I miss Gayl.  She is a wonderful person who deserved much better and was ruthlessly attacked by both cancer and mindless government bureaucracies.  Gayl is the best person I have ever known, and life and the world are much darker and bleaker.  The world should weep.  Heaven is enriched.

Gayl

There are two terrible things about losing Gayl. The first is that everyday I wake to find that she is not here and I must live another day with the knowledge that I will not see her or be with her. The second is that it was so useless, she was murdered by bureaucrats; people who interfered and prevented her from getting the surgery that would have saved her life. All in the name of obeying rules without any thought for their effect on her or even if they applied. Gayl had horrible pain for 19 years, 19. And they did not believe her, they thought she was lying in an attempt to get drugs. So, when her cancer was so advanced that she gushed blood with every step, they finally relented and let her have the surgery we had begged for, and it worked. The horrible pain went away. Grasp that if you can; her daily pain was worse than the pain caused by abdominal cancer 30 days before the end. Imagine the pain, the agony; and then imagine the government bureaucrats calling you a liar for 19 years, people saying you are a drug addict, and government people stopping you from getting the surgery you need. Imaging, if you can, the evil in those bureaucrats' hearts. Gayl was tortured to death by bureaucrats in the US; if they had left us alone she would be alive today and I would be with her. But she died in pain, uselessly, so that no bureaucrat would have to take responsibility for letting her have the surgery she needed. God may have mercy on their souls; all I can do is pray He does not and that He turns a deaf ear to their prayers.

I miss Gayl

Missing Gayl

I cry for Gayl
For all that could have been
And wasn't
For all there should have been
And won't
For all the pain and hurt she suffered
Without plait but for no reason
For my own stupid inability
To help, to save, to fix
To forestall or prevent any of the disasters
To prevent the end that I did not want
For all the evil the world did to her
That in my weakness and uselessness
I could not prevent
For the shattering loss to me
And to the world
For the darkness that fell
And has not lifted
For the inability of the world
To appreciate her and cherish her
As she so deserved
For the lack of recognition of her,
Her skill, her caring, her intelligence
Her singular worth as a woman & friend
Her unknown valor and courage
The lack of mourning for her
The total futility of it
The fact that it was not necessary
That we almost beat it all, together
For the evil of the bureaucracy
Their heartlessness, mindless cruelty
Their beastiality
I cry because I miss her so
And because there is a hole in me
For which there is no cure or patch
I do not cry because I will never see her again,
Because I know I will, thanks to
Jesus
I cry because the world is cruel
And has destroyed she which is best
Without thought to the loss

Gayl is a winner

I have always struggled with the problem of how to describe Gayl when she was treating a patient. Gayl is a loving, kind, tender, thoughtful, considerate, modest, intelligent, humble, serving, self-effacing person; and the best wife any man could have. THE VERY BEST. But, there is this other side of her; the side that came out in the ER, or by the side of the road with a wreck, or in any crisis where death is on the line. Then, there is this air about her, this way of acting, this self-confidence., this lack of doubt. There is this fire in her blue eyes and she is all business focused, determined, take no prisoners, don't tell me the cost attitude. An attitude that she was going to inevitably beat Death and save this person. Inevitably. There is this old saying about fighting dogs, that the leader of the pack knew he would win the fight and that it was inevitable. That's how it is with Gayl. Her attitude when fighting Death for a patient was that it was inevitable that she would win, that Death was overmatched. Really, that was the way it seemed when you watched her. You had to be there to know what I mean, to see that attitude about her. But it was not a cocky attitude, it was self-assured and determined. Gayl would just not entertain the possibility of losing her patient, ever. Most guys don't have it, most military people don't have it; Gayl has it by the bucket-load. And at the same time, the nurses and the patients liked her. Mano-a-mano against Death, and she was still nice and kind to the people around her. No one can top that, no one.

And I seem to be the only person who weeps for her loss.

I can't wait to see Gayl again

I don't see why the world was so hurtful and mean to Gayl when she was only ever nice and helpful and saved lives.

A mockingbird gone

In all the years I knew her, Gayl never hurt anyone. All she did was try to please people, do good for people, use her medical skill to help people, and be a Christian witness. She is kind, loving, and harmless. She never did a wrong, and her kindness and caring was admired and desired by every patient she ever had. Yet, two states bumbled and stumbled; two states' worth of bureaucrats placed their careers ahead of any honesty or attempt to find the truth. Its wrong to harm anything that just tries to please and harms no one. A mockingbird is gone, for no good reason; and the world is poorer for it. I wonder how God judges what has happened?