One of the things that makes being without Gayl so difficult is that we, both of us, never believed in a no-win scenario. There had to be some way to save her, some way that I did not think of.
And that knowledge makes me so sad.
I miss her and love her so much.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Thinking of Gayl, my heart still aches
In writing for Gayl, I wanted to make several points. That Gayl was special. That her loss is irreplaceable. That we had suffered a terrible, unnecessary loss. That Gayl had lived a good life, a charitable life, a Christian life. But more, she is so extraordinary. And the day was so significant, especially in light of our being Christians. Paul said to live our lives as a runner runs a race, to live with our eye on the prize. And the day, September 29, is the day that Phidippidies ran from Marathon to Athens in order to save Athens from the invading Persians. He ran as hard and as fast as he could since he did not know where the enemy was; all he knew was that he had to arrive before they. And he did. And running through the gate of Athens after his incredible run, he said Nike (victory) and died. Gayl did the same, she ran her race well, ran it hard, never gave up, fought her enemy Death to the end, and in the end was able to say Victory! Truly, this is so, for Gayl is a Godly woman, for as it says in the Bible: But, those who heed God's word, are "like Mount Zion which cannot be moved, but abides forever" (Psalm 125:1). The righteous person "will hold to her way, and she who has clean hands will be stronger and stronger" (Job 17:9). True godly people, are not cowards (Revelation 21:8), but stand fast in the faith (Hebrews 3:6), act like men (1 Corinthians 16:13 NAS), and are strong (Proverbs 24:5).
And Gayl was humble, in spite of her tremendous gifts as a doctor, a woman, and an artist. For she lived and acted as is written:
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved... From the desire of being extolled ... From the desire of being honored ... From the desire of being praised ... From the desire of being preferred to others... From the desire of being consulted ... From the desire of being approved ... From the fear of being humiliated ... From the fear of being despised... From the fear of suffering rebukes ... From the fear of being calumniated ... From the fear of being forgotten ... From the fear of being ridiculed ... From the fear of being wronged ... From the fear of being suspected ...
That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I ... That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease ... That others may be chosen and I set aside ... That others may be praised and I unnoticed ... That others may be preferred to me in everything... That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
So I still weep, for what might have been, what has been lost, and for the terrible ache in my heart. And for the many injustices done to her and the terrible pain she suffered for so many years. She is a better person than I, and my greatest honor is to say that she not only loved me but she trusted me. And, as always, she is my greatest boast and pride and joy. I love her and cherish her. I wait for the day I will see her again.
Here, again is what I said to try to honor Gayl. It was not worthy enough of her by half, but maybe you will know what has been lost and why we all should weep at the loss. But be happy in her victory and for the fact that she has received her just, and, I am sure, great and honorable reward.
Gayl already knows how highly I think of her, but you need to know some of what I do about her. Gayl is a wonderful Christian lady. I have been blessed greater than other man by having Gayl in my life. The best person I have ever known is now with the Lord. I rejoice that she is with Him, that her pain and trials are at an end, and that she is with her beloved dogs; but a life without her is a grim. My light is gone. I, and the world, are the poorer for this loss and heaven has been enriched.
Gayl was always my pride, my joy, and my boast. I loved her and always will. I treasure every minute we spent together or even talking on the phone. I treasure the fact that her last minute on Earth was spent holding my hand in such a way that she told me that she loved me. She taught me what it means to be loved. She taught me what it means to be a Christian.
I was priviledged and honored to be Gayl’s husband and friend. She is my best buddy, I was fortunate enough to be hers. She always let me know that I was loved; deeply, truly, and honestly by her with all her heart. Her actions toward me showed that. No man could have a greater gift or a better wife and friend, and I was fortunate enough to receive this gift from her for over 31 years. Her love for me was a gift I did not earn or deserve, Gayl gave it freely from her heart. When I was not a good husband to her, from out of some inexhaustible reserve of love, she would find it in her heart to forgive and to retain her love for me. This, in itself, is amazing and I am humbled and stand in awe of her loving heart and forgiveness. God placed a wonderful person in my life, her love and patience with me passed all understanding. Any good qualities you see in me are due to her influence and guidance; as for the bad, her love, kindness, and sweetness blunted their edge and gradually removed their roots. Her love made me a better man.
Let me tell you of the Gayl I knew, or as she was known when we met, Tink. We met by accident, by the grace of God, at the North Bridge in the Air Force Academy cadet area by the library. She called me sir there, for the first and last time, and asked me to escort her to her car via the cadet area because she could not get from the library to her car without an escort. I walked her to her car and, after 15 seconds or so, as we walked down the “Bring Me Men” ramp, asked her for a date. She said yes, because, as I later found out, she had nothing better to do. We saw the movie Dr Zhivago, she thought I was a dork. I asked her out again, and after sufficient pestering I earned a second date, more because the restaurant we were to go to was nice than the impression I had made on our first date. I made a better impression that second time, and our life together began. I had found the one true love of my life, and miracle of miracles, she fell in love with me. My love for her grew every day, and each day with her was a blessing.
After a few months, I proposed. She said no, as I later found out, to see how I would react. She has a great sense of humor, always did. For example, a few days later, while we were talking on the phone, me in a phone booth, all the freshmen in my squadron attacked, tore off the doors and most of my clothes and started to shave me from head to foot. I barely escaped, only because I had previously told one of my best friends that she had said no to me. She had set the whole thing up, including getting me into the phone booth, because she had somehow learned that the tradition was to shave seniors who got engaged. How she laughed at that. A few weeks later, on Valentine’s Day; I picked her up from her work at Navigators. After a few moments in the car, she asked me if I had any questions for her. Being especially bright, I had no idea what she was talking about. After a bit of prompting by her, it finally dawned what she wanted me to ask. So, I proposed again there in the car while we were driving out of the Navigator’s office complex. Never do that. When she said yes, I nearly drove into the ditch because I was so excited and happy.
As I grew to know her over the years, I learned of her many talents and watched her develop new skills. She excelled at all she did. She plays the piano like a concert pianist. She sings like an angel. She made beautiful ceramics and stained glass. She excelled at woodworking, sewing, knitting, crocheting, cooking, art and car maintenance. Her skills developed over the years until they were quite amazing, to the point where I could not even understand how she did what she did and was simply amazed by the beauty of her creations. Her custom pizza, which we called a world famous, is the best I have ever had. I could tell a million more stories about her, her smile and laugh, her humor, skiing, walking in the mountains, and her wonderful qualities as a woman, friend, and wife. Qualities far surpassing my own meager abilities as a husband.
She loves movies. Her memory for movie details is incredible, she loved all kinds of movies: romances, romantic, war, drama, action, sci-fi. We watched her favorites, Star Wars, True Lies, Harry Potter, Sharky’s Machine, Somewhere in Time, Ben Hur, The 10 Commandments, It Happened One Night, Where Eagles Dare, Die Hard, The Shadow, Indiana Jones, Titanic, El Cid, A Christmas Carol, It’s a Wonderful Life, Dr Zhivago, Scrooged, Shining Through, The Great Escape, Speed, Spartacus, Shawshank Redemption, Judge Roy Bean, and more again and again. And TV too, programs like Star Trek, 24, St Elsewhere, Dynasty, Wild, Wild West; all the classics. We played a game of remembering trivia about movies and TV, and she was right more often than not.
A few years after we married, she entered medical school and became class vice-president. I was so proud. She graduated and started her practice. She is a wonderful doctor, her capacity as a physician is beyond belief. A few stories will illustrate what I mean. She saved my life twice, once when I had a brain tumor and once when I had a bleeding ulcer. She stopped at numberless roadside accidents and saved several lives. I would sit in the doctor’s lounge when she was at work, and she would sneak away to talk with me a bit between cases and tell me about the interesting ones. She saved many souls in their last moments in this world. I saw her save many lives, sometimes with little more than her two hands and her wits. She could diagnose disease over a phone better than most physicians could with a complete medical workup and with the patient in front of them. She loved medicine, every part of it. She dispensed her vast medical knowledge and talent freely to any and all in need; and thousands are alive because of her, her skill, and her caring for people as a doctor. One other story illustrates her incredible medical ability. When Gayl was in Kettering hospital this last time, two days before discharge after her surgery (when we still had great hopes) her main doctor told me, completely unexpectedly, that she was the best doctor he had ever worked with and how impressed he was by her knowledge and intelligence and skill as a physician. She earned this complement from a world-class specialist, this complement was earned by a woman with terrible cancer and tremendous amounts of pain medication in her body. Indeed, he even asked where she practiced so that he could consult her and refer patients after her recovery.
And her dogs. We can’t forget them. How she cherished them, loved them, and cared for them and how much happiness they gave to her. Each one was special to her, and they all jumped for joy whenever she came home. Thor, Winston, Lydia, Leah, Bessie, Levi, Jessica, Micah, Munchkin, Arthur, Morgan, Gavin, Duncan, Ellysse, and the rest all knew that they were loved by her, and she doted on them. They were her pleasure and joy, even in the worst of times.
But it is not merely her many talents, abilities and qualities, nor is it her excellence as a physician that I want to emphasize. Instead, it is her loving kindness and her shining Christian example. What a believer, what great faith she displayed. You need to know that there was never a day in the last 19 years when she was pain free; some days were worse than others but no day was without excruciating pain, pain we could get no doctor to treat because no one believed her. Pain that was, at times, horrible beyond belief. The doctor for her final surgery said that he did not know how she managed to deal with the pain that she must have endured due to the mistakes made in her two previous surgeries. She was misdiagnosed by doctors tens times. She endured several bouts with cancer over the last 13 years, fights she won each time because of her intelligence, tenacity, courage, and; faith. Lawyers misled her and failed in their duties to her. She was treated unjustly by the legal and administrative systems of two states. Her repayment for saving a young man’s life was to be sued by him even though he suffered no damage or harm from her. The legal and medical bills she faced were astronomical. Finally, and worst of all, to my everlasting shame and regret, I broke her heart, terribly. I do not tell you these things to get sympathy for her, that is not Gayl. I tell you these things so that you can join me in praise of her, so you can see how wonderful she was in spite of circumstances that would have broken all but the strongest Christian. Most would have felt sorry for themselves, felt betrayed by the world or God, or turned their back on other people since their own problems were so terrible, overwhelming, and constant. Gayl did not. Gayl rose above her circumstances and responded positively. She rarely complained, and few knew of most of her challenges and the depth of her pain. She took me back into her life. In spite of circumstances, Gayl reached out as a Christian to any one and every one in need. She would not allow pain to defeat her, nor the circumstances of the world. She fought her fights, but was always a Christian lady.
Gayl gave, even when she had little to give and her health was frail. She took time to help any one in need, she gave freely, she helped whomever she could, and this she did without restriction, reservation, or expectation of comparable kindness to her, let alone financial reward. She acted purely out of love for other people and out of her sensitivity and sympathy for others. This in spite of everything that happened to her. Her whole life, but especially these last 19 years, is a shining Christian witness, an example that both humbles me and leads me to praise the Lord and her. I am honored to have been able to help her fight her battles and to stand by her side as she fought; but make no mistake, she carried the load and had the fortitude, faith, and intellect needed to fight the injustices, medical and legal, that she faced. She leaned upon the Lord for strength. She was the warrior, the one with the great heart and tenacity who would not yield to adversity. She may have lost some battles, but she never gave up or gave in. She never betrayed her Christian principles.
Her faith, bravery, and courage in the face of incredible pain and, later, in the face of the nearly hopeless odds against her in her final fight would put any warrior to shame. But, it is her loving kindness and Christian charity that comes most to mind. To show you the kind of Christian lady she is, even on her last day, she offered help and advice to a nurse attending her. I saw her witness several times her last week. What a wonderful lady she is. Our last few words are for ourselves alone, but rest assured that the other times we talked, she expressed her love for and thought of every one in her family and her friends. I thank God that I was chosen by her to be blessed with all that she is. I thank God that I was there to hold her hand until the Lord took her hand into His.
I could go on with stories about her and what a unique, wonderful person she is. But, let me conclude. She ran her race, and ran it well. If ever there is anyone who will be greeted by our Lord and told “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” it is Gayl. As for myself, her presence on this Earth gave me the strength and qualities needed to be a gentleman and kept at bay the cold of the world. The void she leaves in my heart and life and in the world, can never be filled. I pray that the rest of my life can serve to honor her and preserve her memory. I miss her.
I love and miss her still.
And Gayl was humble, in spite of her tremendous gifts as a doctor, a woman, and an artist. For she lived and acted as is written:
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved... From the desire of being extolled ... From the desire of being honored ... From the desire of being praised ... From the desire of being preferred to others... From the desire of being consulted ... From the desire of being approved ... From the fear of being humiliated ... From the fear of being despised... From the fear of suffering rebukes ... From the fear of being calumniated ... From the fear of being forgotten ... From the fear of being ridiculed ... From the fear of being wronged ... From the fear of being suspected ...
That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I ... That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease ... That others may be chosen and I set aside ... That others may be praised and I unnoticed ... That others may be preferred to me in everything... That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
So I still weep, for what might have been, what has been lost, and for the terrible ache in my heart. And for the many injustices done to her and the terrible pain she suffered for so many years. She is a better person than I, and my greatest honor is to say that she not only loved me but she trusted me. And, as always, she is my greatest boast and pride and joy. I love her and cherish her. I wait for the day I will see her again.
Here, again is what I said to try to honor Gayl. It was not worthy enough of her by half, but maybe you will know what has been lost and why we all should weep at the loss. But be happy in her victory and for the fact that she has received her just, and, I am sure, great and honorable reward.
Gayl already knows how highly I think of her, but you need to know some of what I do about her. Gayl is a wonderful Christian lady. I have been blessed greater than other man by having Gayl in my life. The best person I have ever known is now with the Lord. I rejoice that she is with Him, that her pain and trials are at an end, and that she is with her beloved dogs; but a life without her is a grim. My light is gone. I, and the world, are the poorer for this loss and heaven has been enriched.
Gayl was always my pride, my joy, and my boast. I loved her and always will. I treasure every minute we spent together or even talking on the phone. I treasure the fact that her last minute on Earth was spent holding my hand in such a way that she told me that she loved me. She taught me what it means to be loved. She taught me what it means to be a Christian.
I was priviledged and honored to be Gayl’s husband and friend. She is my best buddy, I was fortunate enough to be hers. She always let me know that I was loved; deeply, truly, and honestly by her with all her heart. Her actions toward me showed that. No man could have a greater gift or a better wife and friend, and I was fortunate enough to receive this gift from her for over 31 years. Her love for me was a gift I did not earn or deserve, Gayl gave it freely from her heart. When I was not a good husband to her, from out of some inexhaustible reserve of love, she would find it in her heart to forgive and to retain her love for me. This, in itself, is amazing and I am humbled and stand in awe of her loving heart and forgiveness. God placed a wonderful person in my life, her love and patience with me passed all understanding. Any good qualities you see in me are due to her influence and guidance; as for the bad, her love, kindness, and sweetness blunted their edge and gradually removed their roots. Her love made me a better man.
Let me tell you of the Gayl I knew, or as she was known when we met, Tink. We met by accident, by the grace of God, at the North Bridge in the Air Force Academy cadet area by the library. She called me sir there, for the first and last time, and asked me to escort her to her car via the cadet area because she could not get from the library to her car without an escort. I walked her to her car and, after 15 seconds or so, as we walked down the “Bring Me Men” ramp, asked her for a date. She said yes, because, as I later found out, she had nothing better to do. We saw the movie Dr Zhivago, she thought I was a dork. I asked her out again, and after sufficient pestering I earned a second date, more because the restaurant we were to go to was nice than the impression I had made on our first date. I made a better impression that second time, and our life together began. I had found the one true love of my life, and miracle of miracles, she fell in love with me. My love for her grew every day, and each day with her was a blessing.
After a few months, I proposed. She said no, as I later found out, to see how I would react. She has a great sense of humor, always did. For example, a few days later, while we were talking on the phone, me in a phone booth, all the freshmen in my squadron attacked, tore off the doors and most of my clothes and started to shave me from head to foot. I barely escaped, only because I had previously told one of my best friends that she had said no to me. She had set the whole thing up, including getting me into the phone booth, because she had somehow learned that the tradition was to shave seniors who got engaged. How she laughed at that. A few weeks later, on Valentine’s Day; I picked her up from her work at Navigators. After a few moments in the car, she asked me if I had any questions for her. Being especially bright, I had no idea what she was talking about. After a bit of prompting by her, it finally dawned what she wanted me to ask. So, I proposed again there in the car while we were driving out of the Navigator’s office complex. Never do that. When she said yes, I nearly drove into the ditch because I was so excited and happy.
As I grew to know her over the years, I learned of her many talents and watched her develop new skills. She excelled at all she did. She plays the piano like a concert pianist. She sings like an angel. She made beautiful ceramics and stained glass. She excelled at woodworking, sewing, knitting, crocheting, cooking, art and car maintenance. Her skills developed over the years until they were quite amazing, to the point where I could not even understand how she did what she did and was simply amazed by the beauty of her creations. Her custom pizza, which we called a world famous, is the best I have ever had. I could tell a million more stories about her, her smile and laugh, her humor, skiing, walking in the mountains, and her wonderful qualities as a woman, friend, and wife. Qualities far surpassing my own meager abilities as a husband.
She loves movies. Her memory for movie details is incredible, she loved all kinds of movies: romances, romantic, war, drama, action, sci-fi. We watched her favorites, Star Wars, True Lies, Harry Potter, Sharky’s Machine, Somewhere in Time, Ben Hur, The 10 Commandments, It Happened One Night, Where Eagles Dare, Die Hard, The Shadow, Indiana Jones, Titanic, El Cid, A Christmas Carol, It’s a Wonderful Life, Dr Zhivago, Scrooged, Shining Through, The Great Escape, Speed, Spartacus, Shawshank Redemption, Judge Roy Bean, and more again and again. And TV too, programs like Star Trek, 24, St Elsewhere, Dynasty, Wild, Wild West; all the classics. We played a game of remembering trivia about movies and TV, and she was right more often than not.
A few years after we married, she entered medical school and became class vice-president. I was so proud. She graduated and started her practice. She is a wonderful doctor, her capacity as a physician is beyond belief. A few stories will illustrate what I mean. She saved my life twice, once when I had a brain tumor and once when I had a bleeding ulcer. She stopped at numberless roadside accidents and saved several lives. I would sit in the doctor’s lounge when she was at work, and she would sneak away to talk with me a bit between cases and tell me about the interesting ones. She saved many souls in their last moments in this world. I saw her save many lives, sometimes with little more than her two hands and her wits. She could diagnose disease over a phone better than most physicians could with a complete medical workup and with the patient in front of them. She loved medicine, every part of it. She dispensed her vast medical knowledge and talent freely to any and all in need; and thousands are alive because of her, her skill, and her caring for people as a doctor. One other story illustrates her incredible medical ability. When Gayl was in Kettering hospital this last time, two days before discharge after her surgery (when we still had great hopes) her main doctor told me, completely unexpectedly, that she was the best doctor he had ever worked with and how impressed he was by her knowledge and intelligence and skill as a physician. She earned this complement from a world-class specialist, this complement was earned by a woman with terrible cancer and tremendous amounts of pain medication in her body. Indeed, he even asked where she practiced so that he could consult her and refer patients after her recovery.
And her dogs. We can’t forget them. How she cherished them, loved them, and cared for them and how much happiness they gave to her. Each one was special to her, and they all jumped for joy whenever she came home. Thor, Winston, Lydia, Leah, Bessie, Levi, Jessica, Micah, Munchkin, Arthur, Morgan, Gavin, Duncan, Ellysse, and the rest all knew that they were loved by her, and she doted on them. They were her pleasure and joy, even in the worst of times.
But it is not merely her many talents, abilities and qualities, nor is it her excellence as a physician that I want to emphasize. Instead, it is her loving kindness and her shining Christian example. What a believer, what great faith she displayed. You need to know that there was never a day in the last 19 years when she was pain free; some days were worse than others but no day was without excruciating pain, pain we could get no doctor to treat because no one believed her. Pain that was, at times, horrible beyond belief. The doctor for her final surgery said that he did not know how she managed to deal with the pain that she must have endured due to the mistakes made in her two previous surgeries. She was misdiagnosed by doctors tens times. She endured several bouts with cancer over the last 13 years, fights she won each time because of her intelligence, tenacity, courage, and; faith. Lawyers misled her and failed in their duties to her. She was treated unjustly by the legal and administrative systems of two states. Her repayment for saving a young man’s life was to be sued by him even though he suffered no damage or harm from her. The legal and medical bills she faced were astronomical. Finally, and worst of all, to my everlasting shame and regret, I broke her heart, terribly. I do not tell you these things to get sympathy for her, that is not Gayl. I tell you these things so that you can join me in praise of her, so you can see how wonderful she was in spite of circumstances that would have broken all but the strongest Christian. Most would have felt sorry for themselves, felt betrayed by the world or God, or turned their back on other people since their own problems were so terrible, overwhelming, and constant. Gayl did not. Gayl rose above her circumstances and responded positively. She rarely complained, and few knew of most of her challenges and the depth of her pain. She took me back into her life. In spite of circumstances, Gayl reached out as a Christian to any one and every one in need. She would not allow pain to defeat her, nor the circumstances of the world. She fought her fights, but was always a Christian lady.
Gayl gave, even when she had little to give and her health was frail. She took time to help any one in need, she gave freely, she helped whomever she could, and this she did without restriction, reservation, or expectation of comparable kindness to her, let alone financial reward. She acted purely out of love for other people and out of her sensitivity and sympathy for others. This in spite of everything that happened to her. Her whole life, but especially these last 19 years, is a shining Christian witness, an example that both humbles me and leads me to praise the Lord and her. I am honored to have been able to help her fight her battles and to stand by her side as she fought; but make no mistake, she carried the load and had the fortitude, faith, and intellect needed to fight the injustices, medical and legal, that she faced. She leaned upon the Lord for strength. She was the warrior, the one with the great heart and tenacity who would not yield to adversity. She may have lost some battles, but she never gave up or gave in. She never betrayed her Christian principles.
Her faith, bravery, and courage in the face of incredible pain and, later, in the face of the nearly hopeless odds against her in her final fight would put any warrior to shame. But, it is her loving kindness and Christian charity that comes most to mind. To show you the kind of Christian lady she is, even on her last day, she offered help and advice to a nurse attending her. I saw her witness several times her last week. What a wonderful lady she is. Our last few words are for ourselves alone, but rest assured that the other times we talked, she expressed her love for and thought of every one in her family and her friends. I thank God that I was chosen by her to be blessed with all that she is. I thank God that I was there to hold her hand until the Lord took her hand into His.
I could go on with stories about her and what a unique, wonderful person she is. But, let me conclude. She ran her race, and ran it well. If ever there is anyone who will be greeted by our Lord and told “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” it is Gayl. As for myself, her presence on this Earth gave me the strength and qualities needed to be a gentleman and kept at bay the cold of the world. The void she leaves in my heart and life and in the world, can never be filled. I pray that the rest of my life can serve to honor her and preserve her memory. I miss her.
I love and miss her still.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Still
Gayl,
I miss you so much. And I still love you with all my heart.
I don't mourn solely because I miss you, though that pain never ends; I weep because of the injustices inflicted upon you, the unnecessary pain you endured, for the years that are lost, and for all the good you would have done for this world.
And still, I would gladly have taken your place or done anything to save you.
I miss you so much. And I still love you with all my heart.
I don't mourn solely because I miss you, though that pain never ends; I weep because of the injustices inflicted upon you, the unnecessary pain you endured, for the years that are lost, and for all the good you would have done for this world.
And still, I would gladly have taken your place or done anything to save you.
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