Missing you

Hello sweetheart;

What should I do? I am so scared and lonely and I miss you so. I wish I could somehow right the wrongs. I only want to honor you and God and be with you once again. Yet the nightmares never end. It seems that no one will ever let go of the accusations against you, even though they were false and ultimately destroyed you. Don't they realize that their false accusations made it impossible for us to get a doctor for you to treat your pain, and that the horrible pain that you endured daily masked the cancer pain. Are they so stupid? If the pain you had everyday was so horrible that it masked the cancer until it was massive; just how bad must the pain have been? HORRIBLE. I cry when I think of it. My poor love, no one ever helped or cared. You are so good and honest, and the only thing that the states did to you was hurt you. And I failed you. I should have done more, should have figured out sooner that you were becoming testy because the pain was so bad. I think that's why you were so easily upset in July, all of the pain was finally becoming too much. I still do not think that anyone but me realizes the significance of what you said after surgery, that for the first time since the ruptured appendix you had no pain in your abdomen. My dearest love, you had horrible cancer then but were so used to horrible pain that just the pain of the cancer a month before it took you away seemed like nothing at all. Yet no one believes the amount of pain you were in or the suffering; let alone all the stress caused by the legal battles and the fights against the drug scammers. I would die before I would hurt you or let others cause you harm, but I could do nothing at the end to help. But it seems to be so unusual in this world for a person to love someone else that way and that much; most people just look at me like they do not comprehend at all. You can see it in their eyes and in the way they stand, they don't get it or they don't believe me. And they surely, surely do not understand what those 19 years were like. And yes I am angry, angry because people and the system did not care, because they just used you to further their own ambitions, made your life a miserable existence, and never even thought to apologize; let alone fall on their face before God to ask His forgiveness for what they did to you, the one innocent and truthful person in every instance. And, in my heart, I still feel that if I could not save you then I should have died with you; even if it was of exhaustion or something caused by working harder for you. It is shameful that I survived, my job, my duty, my love for you, required that I do anything and everything that I could for you and that I stand between you and harm. If you go, I go. And while I worked hard, the fact that I am here proves that I did not work hard enough for you. I never did tell you about those nights driving back from the hospital; sometimes I was so scared of the morning and what might happen while I was gone, how angry I was that no one of your friends would even help with the dogs so I could take care of you, and the times when I could not see cause I was so tired. That was strange, like at the Academy in survival training when I had no food or sleep for a few weeks, I was just so tired that I could not figure out what my eyes were seeing. But that is not good enough. I am sorry I let you down. I can hardly wait to see you again.