Gayl

Gayl already knows how highly I think of her, but you need to know some of what I do about her. Gayl is a wonderful Christian lady. I have been blessed greater than other man by having Gayl in my life. The best person I have ever known is now with the Lord. I rejoice that she is with Him, that her pain and trials are at an end, and that she is with her beloved dogs; but a life without her is a grim. My light is gone. I, and the world, are the poorer for this loss and heaven has been enriched.

Gayl was always my pride, my joy, and my boast. I loved her then, love her now, and always will love her. I treasure every minute we spent together or even talking on the phone. I treasure the fact that her last minute on Earth was spent holding my hand in such a way that she told me that she loved me. She taught me what it means to be loved. She taught me what it means to be a Christian.

I was priviledged and honored to be Gayl’s husband and friend. She is my best buddy, I was fortunate enough to be hers. She always let me know that I was loved; deeply, truly, and honestly by her with all her heart. Her actions toward me showed that. No man could have a greater gift or a better wife and friend, and I was fortunate enough to receive this gift from her for over 31 years. Her love for me was a gift I did not earn or deserve, Gayl gave it freely from her heart. When I was not a good husband to her, from out of some inexhaustible reserve of love, she would find it in her heart to forgive and to retain her love for me. This, in itself, is amazing and I am humbled and stand in awe of her loving heart and forgiveness. God placed a wonderful person in my life, her love and patience with me passed all understanding. Any good qualities you see in me are due to her influence and guidance; as for the bad, her love, kindness, and sweetness blunted their edge and gradually removed their roots. Her love made me a better man.

Let me tell you of the Gayl I knew, or as she was known when we met, Tink. We met by accident, by the grace of God, at the North Bridge in the Air Force Academy cadet area by the library. She called me sir there, for the first and last time, and asked me to escort her to her car via the cadet area because she could not get from the library to her car without an escort. I walked her to her car and, after 15 seconds or so, as we walked down the “Bring Me Men” ramp, asked her for a date. She said yes, because, as I later found out, she had nothing better to do. We saw the movie Dr Zhivago, she thought I was a dork. I asked her out again, and after sufficient pestering I earned a second date, more because the restaurant we were to go to was nice than the impression I had made on our first date. I made a better impression that second time, and our life together began. I had found the one true love of my life, and miracle of miracles, she fell in love with me. My love for her grew every day, and each day with her was a blessing.

After a few months, I proposed. She said no, as I later found out, to see how I would react. She has a great sense of humor, always did. For example, a few days later, while we were talking on the phone, me in a phone booth, all the freshmen in my squadron attacked, tore off the doors and most of my clothes and started to shave me from head to foot. I barely escaped, only because I had previously told one of my best friends that she had said no to me. She had set the whole thing up, including getting me into the phone booth, because she had somehow learned that the tradition was to shave seniors who got engaged. How she laughed at that. A few weeks later, on Valentine’s Day; I picked her up from her work at Navigators. After a few moments in the car, she asked me if I had any questions for her. Being especially bright, I had no idea what she was talking about. After a bit of prompting by her, it finally dawned what she wanted me to ask. So, I proposed again there in the car while we were driving out of the Navigator’s office complex. Never do that. When she said yes, I nearly drove into the ditch because I was so excited and happy.

As I grew to know her over the years, I learned of her many talents and watched her develop new skills. She excelled at all she did. She plays the piano like a concert pianist. She sings like an angel. She made beautiful ceramics and stained glass. She excelled at woodworking, sewing, knitting, crocheting, cooking, art and car maintenance. Her skills developed over the years until they were quite amazing, to the point where I could not even understand how she did what she did and was simply amazed by the beauty of her creations. Her custom pizza, which we called a world famous, is the best I have ever had. I could tell a million more stories about her, her smile and laugh, her humor, skiing, walking in the mountains, and her wonderful qualities as a woman, friend, and wife. Qualities far surpassing my own meager abilities as a husband.

She loves movies. Her memory for movie details is incredible, she loved all kinds of movies: romances, romantic, war, drama, action, sci-fi. We watched her favorites, Star Wars, True Lies, Harry Potter, Sharky’s Machine, Somewhere in Time, Ben Hur, The 10 Commandments, It Happened One Night, Where Eagles Dare, Die Hard, The Shadow, Indiana Jones, Titanic, El Cid, A Christmas Carol, It’s a Wonderful Life, Dr Zhivago, Scrooged, Shining Through, The Great Escape, Speed, Spartacus, Shawshank Redemption, Judge Roy Bean, and more again and again. And TV too, programs like Star Trek, 24, St Elsewhere, Dynasty, Wild, Wild West; all the classics. We played a game of remembering trivia about movies and TV, and she was right more often than not.

A few years after we married, she entered medical school and became class vice-president. I was so proud. She graduated and started her practice. She is a wonderful doctor, her capacity as a physician is beyond belief. A few stories will illustrate what I mean. She saved my life twice, once when I had a brain tumor and once when I had a bleeding ulcer. She stopped at numberless roadside accidents and saved several lives. I would sit in the doctor’s lounge when she was at work, and she would sneak away to talk with me a bit between cases and tell me about the interesting ones. She saved many souls in their last moments in this world. I saw her save many lives, sometimes with little more than her two hands and her wits. She could diagnose disease over a phone better than most physicians could with a complete medical workup and with the patient in front of them. She loved medicine, every part of it. She dispensed her vast medical knowledge and talent freely to any and all in need; and thousands are alive because of her, her skill, and her caring for people as a doctor. One other story illustrates her incredible medical ability. When Gayl was in Kettering hospital this last time, two days before discharge after her surgery (when we still had great hopes) her main doctor told me, completely unexpectedly, that she was the best doctor he had ever worked with and how impressed he was by her knowledge and intelligence and skill as a physician. She earned this complement from a world-class specialist, this complement was earned by a woman with terrible cancer and tremendous amounts of pain medication in her body. Indeed, he even asked where she practiced so that he could consult her and refer patients after her recovery.

And her dogs. We can’t forget them. How she cherished them, loved them, and cared for them and how much happiness they gave to her. Each one was special to her, and they all jumped for joy whenever she came home. Thor, Winston, Lydia, Leah, Bessie, Levi, Jessica, Micah, Munchkin, Arthur, Morgan, Gavin, Duncan, Ellysse, and the rest all knew that they were loved by her, and she doted on them. They were her pleasure and joy, even in the worst of times.

But it is not merely her many talents, abilities and qualities, nor is it her excellence as a physician that I want to emphasize. Instead, it is her loving kindness and her shining Christian example. What a believer, what great faith she displayed. You need to know that there was never a day in the last 19 years when she was pain free; some days were worse than others but no day was without excruciating pain, pain we could get no doctor to treat because no one believed her. Pain that was, at times, horrible beyond belief. The doctor for her final surgery said that he did not know how she managed to deal with the pain that she must have endured due to the mistakes made in her two previous surgeries. She was misdiagnosed by doctors tens times. She endured several bouts with cancer over the last 13 years, fights she won each time because of her intelligence, tenacity, courage, and; faith. Lawyers misled her and failed in their duties to her. She was treated unjustly by the legal and administrative systems of two states. Her repayment for saving a young man’s life was to be sued by him even though he suffered no damage or harm from her. The legal and medical bills she faced were astronomical. Finally, and worst of all, to my everlasting shame and regret, I broke her heart, terribly. I do not tell you these things to get sympathy for her, that is not Gayl. I tell you these things so that you can join me in praise of her, so you can see how wonderful she was in spite of circumstances that would have broken all but the strongest Christian. Most would have felt sorry for themselves, felt betrayed by the world or God, or turned their back on other people since their own problems were so terrible, overwhelming, and constant. Gayl did not. Gayl rose above her circumstances and responded positively. She rarely complained, and few knew of most of her challenges and the depth of her pain. She took me back into her life. In spite of circumstances, Gayl reached out as a Christian to any one and every one in need. She would not allow pain to defeat her, nor the circumstances of the world. She fought her fights, but was always a Christian lady.

Gayl gave, even when she had little to give and her health was frail. She took time to help any one in need, she gave freely, she helped whomever she could, and this she did without restriction, reservation, or expectation of comparable kindness to her, let alone financial reward. She acted purely out of love for other people and out of her sensitivity and sympathy for others. This in spite of everything that happened to her. Her whole life, but especially these last 19 years, is a shining Christian witness, an example that both humbles me and leads me to praise the Lord and her. I am honored to have been able to help her fight her battles and to stand by her side as she fought; but make no mistake, she carried the load and had the fortitude, faith, and intellect needed to fight the injustices, medical and legal, that she faced. She leaned upon the Lord for strength. She was the warrior, the one with the great heart and tenacity who would not yield to adversity. She may have lost some battles, but she never gave up or gave in. She never betrayed her Christian principles.

Her faith, bravery, and courage in the face of incredible pain and, later, in the face of the nearly hopeless odds against her in her final fight would put any warrior to shame. But, it is her loving kindness and Christian charity that comes most to mind. To show you the kind of Christian lady she is, even on her last day, she offered help and advice to a nurse attending her. I saw her witness several times her last week. What a wonderful lady she is. Our last few words are for ourselves alone, but rest assured that the other times we talked, she expressed her love for and thought of every one in her family and her friends. I thank God that I was chosen by her to be blessed with all that she is. I thank God that I was there to hold her hand until the Lord took her hand into His.

I could go on with stories about her and what a unique, wonderful person she is. But, let me conclude. She ran her race, and ran it well. If ever there is anyone who will be greeted by our Lord and told “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” it is Gayl. As for myself, her presence on this Earth gave me the strength and qualities needed to be a gentleman and kept at bay the cold of the world. The void she leaves in my heart and life and in the world, can never be filled. I pray that the rest of my life can serve to honor her and preserve her memory. I miss her.

One thing that everyone should know. There was only one who was always faithful throughout all of Gayl’s medical and legal battles. Who stood with us, who helped, who encouraged and gave strength. Jesus. He was always there, He gave me the strength I needed to do all I did for Gayl; He carried the load. I am so grateful to Him for all He did, and He deserves all the praise, not me. I was just the tool in His hand. When all the doctors, nurses, lawyers, her family, everyone left Gayl, in pain, to face injustices alone and even to die by herself; He was there with her. He is, was, and shall forever be faithful and trustworthy. I love Gayl, sure; with all my heart, but without Him I could never have had the strength to stay by Gayl’s side through everything for 19 years. So, don’t praise me or think I am anything special, praise Jesus because He did it all.

One year ago today

Gayl's surgery was on the 31st. She had a utrerine sarcoma, which is rare and there is no prescribed treatment for it. Its very aggressive. We were at the hospital at the end, I (and she) so much wanted to get her home. The memorial and internment was in Michigan. I have the specifics on the location if you want them.

I guess there were several shocks. Gayl had a biopsy for uterine cancer in June, and it was negative so we thought she was OK. Her doctor at that time offered an explanation and recommended a hysterectomy, which we had been working toward since January. But, the bleeding kept getting worse, so on August 27 she had more tests. We found out it was cancer on the 28th. I flew back on the 29th to be with her. We spent the 30th together in the hospital, that's our anniversary, and her surgery was August 31. She got through it OK, and our hand signals we had worked out beforehand came in handy (1 ginger for cold, 2 for pain, 3 for dry mouth), we had been through this so many times before. When I finally got into ICU to see her after the surgery, they had her restrained since she was reaching around. Well you know Gayl, she was trying to figure out what she was hooked up to. So, I cut the restraints and talked her through everything, and she was fine after that. The nurses about had a cow though.

The second shock was her intestine. You know all the pain she had for the last 19 years and how we tried and tried to get someone to treat it. Well, when they got into her abdomen, they saw the reason for her pain, her large intestine was twisted through a complete 360 degrees around the medial axis (the line along the center tube of the intestine) within 18 inches. As the doctor saidd to me, her pain from this must have been excruciating. No kidding!!! Well, she had always feared another surgery cause she thought she would have a long bout of trying to get her stomach to work, but all was back to normal in 3 days. She was walking the day after surgery. She even told me that for the first time in 19 years, her tummy did not hurt and she could eat OK. But the pain she endured for 19 years because they srewed up her appendicitis is unbelievable. At one point, the total width of the tube was less than the width of a needle. But, she was feeling less pain, so I thought things were looking up.

The bad part was that the doctor could not get everything in the surgery, so Gayl had to have chemo and radiation. And the prognosis was not good, the doctor said that she would not last 5 years, maybe less. But I thought we had time to fight and find things and do things. We decided not to give up. I was able to take her home the Saturday after her surgery. Since I thught we had time, and we needed money, I flew back to DC on Sunday to try to keep my job while her dad spent the week with her.

The following week started out OK, but she seemed to keep sounding weaker on the phone, and she started to complain of pain, which confused me. She went back into the hospital the following Saturday cause of pain, and I returned Sunday. Her dad left then.

By Tuesday, Gayl was hurting a lot, and the doctor said told us that he thought she would not last two years. Apparently, the tumor had regrown in the intervening 2 weeks since the surgery to twice the size it was when she had the surgery to remove it. She got an infection and her kidneys started to lose function, so we could not start chemo right away. We got through that, but it took a week. I asked about using dialysis, but was told it was not an option. By the following week, though, Gayl was a bit better, enough so that she could start chemo on Wednesday the 27th and do radiation on the 28th. I wwas worried, though, and asked the doctor how bad things were. I asked him, straight out, if she had days, weeks, or months. He said months, it all depended on the chemo. Our goal was to get the chemo done, get her out, and find some place that could treat her type of cancer (I found out later that no such place exists). But, I thought we had time at least. I screwed up, I thought I had to be ready to keep up a 18 hour day at her bedside for a long time, so we decided I should sleep at home instead of there; I really regret that). When I left at 3AM on the 29th, she was OK. I was back by 10AM, and she was nauseated. Things just went downhill from there. She started to throw up at noon, and by 1pm we had filled everything in the room and the sunction machine had failed. Her pain, by then, was really bad. She was getting 2CC of dilaudid every 2 hours as a maintenance dose, and her pump failed so she could not get anything for pain even though she was supposed to get whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it. I could not get a nurse, I was literally running up and down the hall in the ward looking for someone and then running back into the room to help her with her pain and throwing up. This went on for a couple of hours, until at about 5 pm I just disconnected her monitor. I knew that would bring people, cause it would look like her heart stopped. That worked, we got a room full of fols in no time flat. After I convinced them that her heart was not the problem and got them straight on what was wrong, things began to happen. I got a few doctors to talk to me, kicked a nurse out of the room, and got her the pain medication and medical support she needed. Her heart rate, which had been up around 130 since noon, dropped back under 100 and she seemed better. Then, the throwing up started again, and it was bad, At about 7pm, she grabbed my arm really hard, and I mean really hard. I knew the pain was back, and it was bad. Shortly after that, she reminded me of my promise to her, not to let her die in pain or go onto life support for no purpose. Then, she got a lot worse, heart rate up and everything just went downhill. Again, no nurse to be had, so I went runnig around the ward till I got one, and she called Gayl's primary cancer doctor. His resident came in to see Gayl and then went to talk to him on the phone. Gayl and I had our last talk then. Then Gayl got really bad, and her docctor wanted to talk with me. He said that the cancer was destroying her faster than he thought it would, and that he could maybe keep her alive for a little while (not even a day), but in ever worsening, continued pain. Or he could stop the pain and the vomiting, but he did not know how long she could tolerate all the pain medicine and anti-vomiting medicine. I told him to keep her out of pain, and when back in to hold her hand. I wish I had been able to get into the bed to hold her, but she could not move enough for that. They started giving her medicine, and she looked at me before she closed her eyes and fell asleep. I just kept holding her hand while the nurses and doctors did what they did. I finally let go about a half hour after she met Jesus.

I think Gayl suspected somethng bad was happening, she was too good a doctor not to. She put on about 100 lbs of water weight that last month. The day before, she had me write some checks into her back account for her. On the afternoon of the 29th, she asked me to promise to do some things for her; thngs which in retrospect she would only have asked if she thought she was approaching the end. But I was not expecting it. I was counting on those months that the doctor promised, and did not expect the 29th to be the end. So, that was the third shock for me.

There are two wonderful coincidences about the 29th. One is that on 29 Sep, 490BC, the Greeks won the Battle of Marathon (yes, the same as the race today). After the battle, and to prevent the Persian traitors fro taking Atehens, the runner Phidippidies was sent from the battlefield to the city to tell them of the victory. As he ran, the Persian fleet was sailing round the point to attack the city, neither could see the progress of the other. Phidippidies won the race, ran into the city gates, cried "Nike" (Greek for victory) and then died. As a Christian, no better analogy for Gayl's life could me made.

The second is for Lord of the Rings fans, of which Gayl was one. On 29 September, Frodo boarded the last elven ship to leave MiddleEarth for the West, which is to say, Heaven, after accomplishing all he was to do.

I teel myself that the date is no coincidence, that God was telling us all what a wonderful person we had here with us, and telling us in a way that no one could misunderstand.

The only problem is that I miss her and love her; life is so bleak without her.