Until that day

Forever

Ten months, and so unnecessary

It has been ten months without Gayl. So, by now my anger over her needless passing is under control. Yes, I am angry. For 19 years, we have been telling every doctor we could see that Gayl had horrible abdominal pain. No, not just horrible. Way beyond that. It was so terrible that no one would believe her when we told them. No one. Not one doctor. Of course not, she had two screwed up surgeries 19 and 17 years ago, so every doctor would try to cover up for the surgeons, no matter how much pain Gayl had to endure. She is, after all, only a woman. They treated her like an idiot. They treated us like we had no idea what we saw every day. They never listened to her, never, not once. NEVER. And, if only one of them had ever listened to her, they could have performed the surgery she needed to remove the eighteen inches of bowel that were almost crushed flat, smashed to a point that they could not expend to more than the diameter of a needle. A NEEDLE. And these doctors, these so-called servants of the patient, never even found it because they never listened to us. Never believed her about the pain. And then the final cancer fight. The third surgery, the one she needed. The one where the eighteen inches was removed and she was pain free. Of course, the pain from her bowel hid the early pain warning signs of the cancer. So by the time we had the cancer surgery, it was too late. TOO LATE. So, instead of 20-30 more years together, I am without her. All because a long series of doctors never bothered to listen to her. I wonder, do they see her face? I do. In the dark recesses of the night, do they hear her voice? I do. Do they realize just how special, how precious a person we have lost? I do. I don't think they do. They don't care about anyone but themselves. Patients are just meat to these people, they are not doctors; even though they have a degree. They are monsters. They stole Gayl from me, from us, because of their indifference, their insufferable arrogance, and their cloying air of superiority. Iatrogenic death. Yes, and it took them 19 years to accomplish it. From the start, when the doctor was too busy celebrating his Christmas to do the simple tests that would have revealed the ruptured appendix right up to the end; that whole terrible last day when no doctor or nurse could be found. When no one listened to her or me when we begged for a transfusion for her. When we begged for someone to see her when it could have done some good. The noble practitioners of medicine; hypocrites! They are worse than scum. They are egotistic, self-serving, and self-aggrandizing. They serve no one but themselves. May God have no mercy on their souls. The only thing worse, lawyers.

Why am I angry; why is there rage within my tears? Simply answered, the best part of my life, my future, my hopes, the only part worth having, is gone. Gayl was home for me; wherever she was, my heart was there and I was home. I knew my greatest happiness when I was with her, even just talking with her. That's all gone. Gone as a result of the arrogance and self-serving pride of the medical profession.Gayl and I are close, as one in heart. I am not perfect, far from it. I make no such claim. But she owned my heart and there is nothing I would not do for her, and her alone. We had worked so hard to rise above all of the problems, all of the health issues. We were so close to getting our life back to some form of normal. Then, the final blow; so unnecessary, so overwhelming in it force. For years, she had pain, but nothing on this scale. NOTHING. And, still the doctors would not alleviate her pain. No one believed, until it was too late. Only when she was certain to die did they bother to provide pain relief, and even making sure that was done properly was a challenge.

Now I know why people talk about the hope of salvation. Its not that you hope Jesus will save you; His word is unbreakable and you can count on Him. The hope is that you will once again see your loved one. And its not the hope born of despair, hope that aginst all odds it will happen. No, its like the hope born when a loved one leaves on a long trip of uncertain duration; you know you will be reunited again you just don't know when. So you hope it is soon, you hope it is short, you hope for a happy reunion. I will be with Gayl again. But, that does not lessen the crimes and offenses committed against her by all of those doctors. They are deserving of God's most harsh judgment.

And yet, it all seems like a nightmare. Something so terrible that I must be able to wake from it. It seems I can, but awakening is always just out of reach. No matter how hard I strive to reach the surface and emerge from this nightmare, the surface recedes and I remain trapped within. Gayl is there, just beyond my reach, just beyond the surface of the lake. I shall reach her one day, I must. I miss her and I cherish her. She is always in my heart and on my mind, I long for the simple touch of her hand in mine. I long to see her and hold her again, and tell her it is OK. Thanks be to God that I was there, and thanks be to Jesus that I will be with Gayl again. I do not know what to do about the horrible things that the doctors and lawyers did to her; I will have to pray more. I love Gayl and always will. I miss her so very much, the pain of it all is more than words can say.